Fear Boners And Hyborian B-Movie Hell: Sexual And Gubernatorial Awakenings In The Trailer For “Red Sonja”

Fear Boners And Hyborian B-Movie Hell: Sexual And Gubernatorial Awakenings In The Trailer For “Red Sonja”

In which Lauren Traetto of Vouched Books and FANZINE and Casey Childers of WRITE CLUB San Francisco review the trailer for Red Sonja.

LAUREN

I love it when a trailer includes mention of “the world’s greatest evil”—it’s like the ‘80s movie version of Buzzfeed’s clickbait titles. Judging from this clip, the world’s greatest evil is a second-string dominatrix out of a George Michael video, inexplicably ruling over a bunch of soldiers from Tang Dynasty China.

Nick & Myke’s #2: Happiness Is The Truth And The Truth Is Happiness

Nick & Myke’s #2: Happiness Is The Truth And The Truth Is Happiness

Myke Johns and Nick Tecosky are the producers of WRITE CLUB Atlanta. In an ill-conceived bid to remain hip and relevant and also to vent their anger and bile at people who actually are hip and relevant, they have devoted themselves to reviewing the #2 hit on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.

For the week of February 17th, the #2 hit on the Billboard charts is:

Pharrell_Happy

MYKE
Comrades, I salute you. Our journey has been long and you have each shown the courage and strength of character which befits your title. God and His divine provenance have brought us together on this day and in this place and as I stand before you, sun on my shoulders, I might even betray that I love you–each of you–like sons and daughters.

Nick & Myke’s #2: I Will Absolutely Stick My Hand Down The Front Of My Pants

Nick & Myke’s #2: I Will Absolutely Stick My Hand Down The Front Of My Pants

Myke Johns and Nick Tecosky are the producers of WRITE CLUB Atlanta. In an ill-conceived bid to remain hip and relevant and also to vent their anger and bile at people who actually are hip and relevant, they have devoted themselves to reviewing the #2 hit on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.

For the week of February 10th, the #2 hit on the Billboard charts is:

beyonce

NICK
When I was 14 years old, I had a small black and white television in my bedroom. Most of the time, I used it to watch reruns of M*A*S*H from midnight to 2am, but for a glorious half-hour every weekday afternoon, I locked my door and quietly watched Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I was too old for the show, and usually turned it off by the time they were fighting men in rubber suits, but there was a magnificent window of ten or so minutes wherein I could gaze upon the majesty of Amy Jo Johnson before she put on her Power Ranger costume and mask and became a faceless, sexless action figure. But for those few precious moments beforehand, I’d “express” my teenage fantasies. Ten minutes was more than enough time to “express myself” at least twice. I miss those Days of Potency. I really do.

Back Off, Man—I’m An Ornithologist: My Brief Career As A Teenage Duckbuster

Back Off, Man—I’m An Ornithologist: My Brief Career As A Teenage Duckbuster

He knew he was probably too late when he saw the sparks. Not just sparks, really: massive bolts of machine-made lightning, lashing bullwhips of crackling energy. At least he no longer had to worry about moving with stealth; the doctor was too consumed with the work at hand to notice him, in thrall to a task of equal parts science, black magic, and madness. A hunchbacked servant, his crooked fangs gleaming in the brilliant light, cowered in fear and fascination as the thing, the monster, convulsed under the Promethean energies the doctor had unleashed upon him. An inhuman cry filled the cavernous stone room.

“QUACK!”

Nick & Myke’s #2: The Apocalypse Will Be Sponsored

Nick & Myke’s #2: The Apocalypse Will Be Sponsored

Myke Johns and Nick Tecosky are the producers of WRITE CLUB Atlanta. In an ill-conceived bid to remain hip and relevant and also to vent their anger and bile at people who actually are hip and relevant, they have devoted themselves to reviewing the #2 hit on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.

For the week of February 3rd, the #2 hit on the Billboard charts is:

pitbull

MYKE

I’m sure there are a lot of pop songs about things falling down, but for some reason the first one that comes to mind is Fergie’s “London Bridge.” The only thing I remember from that song is a really loud drum beat and a million autotuned Fergies shouting about their London Bridges going down whenever I come around, wondering why that was, and suggesting through context that she rather liked it. That’s all I remember: drums, voice and that stupid chorus forever seared into my memory, probably in place of some cherished childhood memory.

Anatomically Correct ALFs In White Cotton Panties: What Happened When I Decided To Build My Own Boyfriend

Anatomically Correct ALFs In White Cotton Panties: What Happened When I Decided To Build My Own Boyfriend

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I am writing from my soundproof cell in order to ask a favor. It’s nothing too presumptuous – I know better than to wheedle you good people for clemency. They will keep me in this hotbox forever, and that’s fine. I had a good run of things, and I embrace my punishment.

Tain’t Misbehavin: How My Husband’s Taint Helped Me Achieve Self-Actualization

Tain’t Misbehavin: How My Husband’s Taint Helped Me Achieve Self-Actualization

In any given group social gathering, a conversational lull is bound to occur. Someone in the group pulls a new topic out of his/her butt and steers the conversation in a totally different direction. I feel like I always end up being that person. Lately I’ve gotten in the habit of reinvigorating dying conversations by using the same old segue: showing everyone in the group a picture of my husband Ryan’s taint. By showing everyone in the group a picture of my husband Ryan’s taint, I help establish that we’re on the same page and share common goals and dreams. That’s what Ryan’s taint does to people. It’s the glue. It’s the tie that binds. It’s like Xanax.

The Dragoon Goblins Of Love: Finding An Alternate Victory In Dating And Gaming

The Dragoon Goblins Of Love: Finding An Alternate Victory In Dating And Gaming

I am going to win.

This is a big deal. I never win. When we sat down today at this picnic table beside the Atlanta Food Truck Park, I steeled myself to lose. With a pulled-pork sandwich, a side order of macaroni & cheese, and a can of Coke in front of me, I didn’t really need to win. My triumph today was to come in form of sunshine and good company.

A Thousand Dollars For A Kiss: Stockholm Syndrome And The Star Wars Holiday Special

A Thousand Dollars For A Kiss: Stockholm Syndrome And The Star Wars Holiday Special

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xn5gsj_the-star-wars-holiday-special_shortfilms#.Urii3IHqCKc.link

Though entirely speculative, sometime in early 1978 a high-riding George Lucas parked his BWM at a 7-11 somewhere in the San Fernando Valley during a break in early pre-production of The Empire Strikes Back.

Are You A Reindeer? Living Out My Sci-fi Mall Fantasy In Woolworth’s

Are You A Reindeer? Living Out My Sci-fi Mall Fantasy In Woolworth’s

“I think you boys need to leave.”

The man in the flannel shirt and baseball hat gave Luther Jr. and me a look that was somewhere between rehearsed menace and weary resignation with a touch of genuine perplexion thrown in. I really didn’t know what the guy’s problem was. I mean, yes, I had just asked another shopper if she was a reindeer, but I didn’t see how that was any of his business.

Wear A Moustache And Stand In A Hole: Thoughts On “The Grand Budapest Hotel”

Wear A Moustache And Stand In A Hole: Thoughts On “The Grand Budapest Hotel”

Myke Johns and Kristina Ackerman discuss the trailer for The Grand Budapest Hotel.

MYKE

More than most things, I want for Wes Anderson to stop.

Keep Stabbing Things Until All Your Problems Are Solved: Thoughts On Brotherhood And “Hercules: The Legend Begins”

Keep Stabbing Things Until All Your Problems Are Solved: Thoughts On Brotherhood And “Hercules: The Legend Begins”

There is no tale more beautiful, no story more telling of humanity’s earthbound struggles, than that of two brothers, locked in eternal conflict as they embark on a rage quest to see which one can murder the other first and dominate the woman they’ve each claimed as their own.

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

[The following text is taken from the official transcript of the OmniCorp Board of Directors’ annual meeting in New York, N.Y., on Nov. 25, 2013, into which a wild-eyed Kevin Forest Moreau barged, uninvited.]

Esteemed members of the OmniCorp Board of Directors:

I present to you Alex Murphy. Husband. Father. Robocop. A franchise barely alive, following a couple of so-so sequels, a TV series no one saw, and even a cartoon. We can rebuild him, to once again serve as a cutting-edge commentary on aggressive police tactics, corrupt corporations, sensationalistic media and—to add some modern-day topicality—drone warfare.