And A Dairy Queen Between Us: A Review Of “Insidious”

In Insidious, a couple moves into a new house. But then one of their kids falls off a ladder and goes into a coma. A haunted coma! The doctor is like, “It’s not really a coma, he just won’t wake up and also has all the symptoms of a coma. But it’s not a coma. Because of ghosts, I guess. I have no idea why I went to medical school.” Pretty soon, the wife starts seeing ghosts in the house. Also, a demon who looks like Darth Maul from Star Wars. The Darth Maul demon appears behind a chair in their dining room and scares everybody. Now they know how George Lucas’s maid feels.

The husband stays at work late because he can’t get a moment’s peace with all the ghosts running around this house. The wife convinces him to move because she doesn’t want to live in a haunted house. But after they move, she sees more ghosts in the new house! She’s like, “Damn it ghosts, what are you doing here?! I mean, you have the ability to travel between planes of existence and move freely between the lands of the living and the dead but I thought if I put four city blocks and a Dairy Queen between us you’d never figure out where we lived! I hate you, Google Maps for Ghosts!”

The husband and wife bring in a psychic lady and she says the kid is haunted because he astral projected too hard and now all these dead people want to steal his body. Although the ghosts seem way more interested in jumping out and scaring people than actually trying to possess this kid. Get your act together, ghosts! There’s not even a dreamcatcher over his bed. If his body was any more receptive to a ghost being inside of it, he’d be making pottery with a shirtless Patrick Swayze.

Then the psychic reveals the husband used to be able to astral project and tells him that a dead lady tried to steal his body when he was a kid. The psychic is like, “Here’s a bunch of photos of you when you were little with an old woman’s ghost in the background. We kept them in a shoebox all these years because we figured the first photographic proof of life after death in human history belonged in a closet somewhere. Go fuck yourselves, scientists and religious scholars!” The father astral projects himself into the land of the dead and has a staring contest with the dead woman from his childhood photos. “Hey old lady, stop staring at me and trying to get into my body!” he yells. Now he knows how Madonna’s personal trainer feels.

I guess if there’s a lesson to be learned from Insidious, it’s that you should never astral project your soul too far into other planes of existence, because dead people want to wear your skin. Thanks for the tip, movie! I bet Ann Landers is stomping her feet in heaven right now wishing she’d been the one to give out that advice. And also wishing she could steal our living, breathing bodies, apparently. The end!