Reviews of Movies I Will Never See
Avatar: The Last Airbender
Huh. Everyone says it’s terrible. But it looks great! Look at that dirt flying around! Like an enormous dog burying a giant bone! Maybe it’s the bones of M. Night Shyamalan’s directing career. And water is whooshing up like the very big dog just jumped in the bathtub! Get out of that tub dog now you’re covered in suds! I guess I’m thinking about Marmaduke. Is that a movie?
Well I guess it is. I wish Marmaduke was an actual Duke, like a foppishly dressed lord of the manor but doing dog stuff and living in a tiny wooden house in the yard because a wizard tricked him. The Duke of Marma. I bet a wizard tricked Owen Wilson into doing this movie. Alakazam, I got your signature, bitch!
Knight and Day
Hey get on my motorcycle I’m Tom Cruise and shooting and grinning like an idiot with my pearly teeth. HAHAHAHAHA I’m crazy for real. Bullets, I guess too! I kill people but I’m a good guy probably! Zoooom.
Maybe in some alternate dimension this movie is about Felicia Day and her best friend a medieval knight who gets punched in the face and then his visor drops down and he stumbles around in his clanky armor and falls in a soapy tub of water. Once at Dragon*Con I mistook Veronica Belmont for Felicia Day and shall regret it until my last breath upon this earth.
I went up to her and said, “Ummm…pardon me for asking but are you Felicia Day?” and she said “Fuuuck!” and even after that she was really nice about the whole thing and super cool and let me take a picture of her holding a drink.
The Karate Kid
You know what would be crazy? If Will Smith kissed Jackie Chan on the lips at the premier of this movie in front of everybody. Not in a romantic way, but like the way that men kissed each other on the lips in the days of the Old West, in order to secretly trade beef jerky or ammunition or little folded up pieces of paper with messages. And then Jackie Chan would pull the paper out and read it and it would say, “Thanks for putting my kid in this movie.” Then Jackie Chan would look down and realize he was sitting in a soapy tub of water on the set of Shanghai Noon with Owen Wilson, and there was still time to kill the wizard.