Thor The Dark World: Angela Lansbury Could Have Solved Twice As Many Murders If She’d Been Drinking Four Loko

Thor The Dark World: Angela Lansbury Could Have Solved Twice As Many Murders If She’d Been Drinking Four Loko

Last week during our vacation, my girlfriend looked over at a woman feeding seagulls on the beach and said, “Look at that bitch feeding the seagulls.” My girlfriend doesn’t normally go around calling women bitches, but this lady was definitely causing a seagull problem vis-à-vis feeding them in a bitchy fashion.

Next thing you know, every begging-ass seagull on Panama City Beach shows up wings a-flappin’ bothering all the sunbathers. Then this old woman walks off smiling like she was doing everybody a favor. Great job, Angela Lansbury. Seagull, She Wrote!

In Thor: The Dark World, is Thor the bitch feeding seagulls?  It just seems like we didn’t have as many creatures from the pre-universe darkness attacking us before he showed up. Now every demigod on Asgard is flying around knocking over our buildings. Asgard is practically the Redneck Riviera of Norse Mythology! Odin definitely looks like he just pulled up to Pineapple Willy’s for Bike Week.

I bet that lady wasn’t even feeding those seagulls bread. I almost cut my foot on a split-open can of Four Loko that washed up on the shore a few minutes later, is it possible that bitch was feeding those seagulls Four Loko? Do seagulls even like Four Loko? They probably love it, because they’re dicks.

Then Thor teleports away on a beam of light with his girlfriend Natalie Portman, who’s like, “Wait, what?!” Classic Panama City Beach behavior. Just leave your proverbial cans of Four Loko (Four Loki?) laying around for us to step on. Next year, we’re going to Hilton Head.

In theaters November 8th.