Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans

Terrence McDonagh (Nicolas Cage) is trying to catch New Orleans drug lord Big Fate (Xzibit) but it’s taking him FOREVER because he keeps taking cocaine breaks with his prostitute girlfriend. If I was looking for Xzibit I’d follow the trail of pimped out rides. Man, Lt. McDonagh sure does like gambling, drugs and whores. I guess that’s where the “bad” in bad lieutenant comes in. He seems pretty good at his actual job, though. So it’s a spiritual badness.

Hey look at those implausibly attractive back alley prostitutes Nicolas Cage is shining a spotlight on! If I was a hooker and Nic Cage shined a bright light on me I’d shoo him away with a broom. Go on GIT Nicolas Cage!

Big Fate has a shotgun mounted under his desk and he points it at Lt. McDonagh but McDonagh easily spots the shotgun barrels poking out of the desk and moves out of the way. Well there’s your problem. You’re not some toothless old mountain woman trying to get the tax man out of your moonshine bucket, you’re trying to kill a policeman with a hidden shotgun.

If I was a New Orleans drug lord, I’d keep an alligator hidden in my desk. Then when I wanted to surprise someone there’d be a spring loaded platform that sent the gator flying at the target with his mouth all wide and toothy and ready to bite. While I was at it, I’d have a big brass band in my desk, too, and they’d come marching out behind the alligator playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”. Then the alligator would lead a parade down Bourbon Street in a weathered straw hat and a dusty old suit. You think if an alligator wore a suit it would be in poor taste to wear alligator skin boots to go with it?

I guess I’d need a pretty big desk for all that. Maybe a network of tunnels underneath the desk for the brass band and the alligator to live in? With the living expenses for the band and the tailor for the alligator’s suit, those costs would really add up. Not to mention the guy I’d have to pay to keep the gator from biting the tailor and the guys in the band. I bet I could find a tailor in New Orleans who plays the trumpet. Come to think of it, I bet I could find an alligator in New Orleans who plays the trumpet.

So it’s settled. I’m keeping an alligator in my desk and if Nicolas Cage ever comes around looking to take me to jail I’ll push a button and the alligator will jump out and play the trumpet at him.

Go on GIT Nicolas Cage!

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