In Batman: Under the Red Hood, Batman tinkers around with the engine of his torch-red 67 Ford Mustang for an hour and a half. He’s very proud of it. Alfred says, “Batman you need to get out from under the red hood of that thing and go fight crime” and Batman says, “Shut up and bring me a lemonade and some screwdrivers.” I guess Batman fixes engines with screwdrivers. Sonic screwdrivers, maybe. Damn, I’d love to see a Batman/Doctor Who crossover. Like the TARDIS crashes into the bat-cave. And Batman says, “You got any lemonade in that thing?”
So this movie starts off with Robin’s death. The Joker hits him with a crowbar and then explodes him with bombs. When Dixie Carter died earlier this year, I intended to say to my girlfriend, “Oh no, Dixie Carter passed away. She was 70 years old.” But instead I said in a thick southern accent, “Man, that Dixie Carter, she 70, she dead.” I have no idea why I turned into Cajun chef Justin Wilson, but there you have it. Anyway, that Robin, he 19, he dead.
Five years later, a vigilante in a red hood shows up and starts intimidating Gotham City’s crime bosses. “Hey crime bosses, give me your crime earnings! I have a bunch of your friends’ heads in a duffel bag. Just like Joe Pesci in 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag.” No joke, one time I got so distracted listening to a commercial for 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag on the radio while I was driving that I ran a red light and nearly T-boned a car. That would have been a really dumb way to die. Oh, welcome to heaven. How did you die? I got excited for a movie about Joe Pesci and heads in duffel bags.
Then a crime boss with a black skeleton face named Black Mask gets mad and tries to kill the Red Hood. He looks like Skeletor would if he tried to smoke a novelty exploding cigar. Prince Adam is like, “Skeletor, congratulations on getting the other half of the power sword, have a cigar. Just kidding, yo- it’s a plastic sword, dummy! You need to wake up pretty early in your bed made of bones to trick me! Now I’m off to buy more magenta vests and purple leggings so I can star in a La Roux video.” [cigar explodes in Skeletor’s face]
Batman starts to suspect the Red Hood might be Robin back from the dead. That’s a hell of a leap, detective. Even though there are millions of living people out there in the world, I bet this masked man is my dead ex-best friend that I buried myself and held his dead exploded body in my arms. So he runs the DNA and guess what- he’s right! Zombie Robin is back from the dead kicking it new school with a fashionable red helmet.
Turns out Ra’s al Ghul threw Robin in a pool of water that brings people back to life. And switched out Robin’s body with a latex dummy for the coffin, apparently. So Batman is a good enough detective to figure out that this new villain is his dead best friend, but not a good enough detective to notice that he was burying a real doll instead of a human body.
Anyway, there’s a lot of death and hard choices going on in Batman: Under the Red Hood. I love watching movies where Batman has to make hard choices. If there was a movie called Batman: Hard Choices, I’d definitely go see it in the theater. Unless it was one of those porn spoof movies where they make porn of popular characters and shows. I am not going to a porno theater to see a second-rate Batman have sex with a third-rate Catwoman. Never again, Adam West!