In which Jason and Kristina of Knuckle Salad discuss the trailer for the movie “New Year’s Eve.”
J: First of all, it’s evident that we’re going to see some handsome men in New Year’s Eve attire with white scarves casually draped over their shoulders. Is that even warming their bodies at all? If I was the inventor of scarves, I’d be spinning in my no doubt yarn-lined coffin. And then my scarf would probably get wound around my skeleton throat. Unless the inventor of scarves is still alive. But maybe he still sleeps in a yarn lined coffin. This is a pretty dark way to start this review of the trailer for New Year’s Eve.
K: It’s not as dark as, for instance, an objective reaction to the trailer I just saw. The 6,215 people who “liked” this on YouTube must’ve been pretty drunk, because the trailer I saw took two whole minutes to watch and didn’t begin to hint at a plot, except that (1) I guess there must be some kind of New Year’s Eve party, (2) the girl from Glee is probably going to kiss raggedy Ashton Kutcher even though his wife is old enough to be her granny, and (C) obviously Sarah Jessica Parker ends up wearing that stupid dress. I’m a little pissed at the trailer for wasting my two minutes, so I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I actually saw the movie. Each and every one of these 43 celebrities owes me a seriously kickass art film this year. Otherwise there is no excuse for agreeing to be in this pointless swirling eddy of melted idiocy. Unless I’m missing something.
J: I actually keep a raggedy Ashton Kutcher in my field to scare off crows, and also Bruce Willis crows. Or crows who are wondering where their car is. “Caw, where’s my Car?” I think you might be right about Sarah Jessica Parker ending up in a stupid dress, which is a shame, because I really had my fingers crossed that Robert De Niro would end up in that stupid dress.
K: That sounds like a better movie. It would also have been nice to see Alec Baldwin in the stupid dress even though he isn’t in this movie (or is he? hell, he probably is), because one time on 30 Rock, Jack Donaghy did a Robert De Niro impression and it was pretty good. Why is it everybody thinks they can do an awesome Robert De Niro impression, though? I can see that he has distinctive mannerisms that are easy to mimic, but lots of less-imitated people have distinctive mannerisms. Ashton Kutcher has webbed feet. That’s pretty distinctive. I’ve never seen anybody try to show off with a waddling Ashton Kutcher impression. Come to think of it, that sounds like a better movie, too.
J: There’s a stand-up comedian around Atlanta who does an amazing Al Pacino impression, followed by a horribly upsetting impression of Scooby-Doo having sex with Donald Duck while Mickey Mouse sits in the director’s chair. Midway through his set, he also does an impression of Shaggy kicking the door down to join this orgy of beloved and heavily copyrighted cartoon characters. What bothers me about this (other than the obvious) is that Shaggy is such a laid-back guy that it’s hard for me to imagine him breaking down a door to get to any scenario except a sandwich. Also, if you’ve fallen on hard enough times that you’ve gone from hanging out with the Harlem Globetrotters to making a seedy Kardashian-style sex tape, it seems like you wouldn’t want to upset the cast and crew of your last-chance porno by destroying the set.
K: That’s the character, though, not the actor. It’s like the way JLo plays the same sweet lady in all her movie trailers, but by all accounts is a terrible monster in real life. This Christian Bale-esque audio clip gives me the impression that Shaggy wasn’t even a real stoner. At first it’s off-putting, but I think seeing that side of Shaggy really highlights the quality of his performance throughout the Scooby-Doo ouevre. I’m going to start imagining that kind of depth to every actor from now on, starting with the New Year’s Eve trailer. It can only help. Maybe all those actors are horrible and despise one another, and Katherine Heigl really slapped that other dude in that one scene with the slapping. It’s hard to believe because her acting is so awkward, like she’s reading Winnie the Pooh to armed, non-English-speaking children, but maybe that’s how she always talks. And maybe none of the couples in the movie were able to shoot any of their scenes together, like those jerks from X-Files. Maybe half the actors in the movie are super famous and the other half are just back-of-head doubles standing in for part of every shot. I wonder if it could’ve been a better movie if they’d just let the back-of-head doubles do the whole thing. Sure would’ve been cheaper. I don’t even think they have a union.