Chloe

Chloe starts off with the high-end-prostitute-title-character putting on sexy clothes and talking about what it means to be sexy so you know this movie is going to be full of sexy sex. You know, I’m not entirely sure that she’s actually high end, but the way large denomination bills are getting thrown around and checks are getting written in stylish tasteful offices I’m guessing she makes more than your run of the mill street prostitute.

Then rich gynecologist Catherine throws her husband David a surprise birthday party but he doesn’t show up for it. So she decides he’s cheating and hires Chloe to see if he’ll try to have sex with her. Brilliant plan, lady. Gee do you think my husband will be interested in this gorgeous young woman who asks him for sugar for her coffee and then sits there and stares at him while she pours sugar into her cup while staring suggestively into his eyes à la the Def Leppard song “Pour Some Sugar On Me”? Even the sugar was like, “I know I was meant for coffee but pour me down your shirt instead!”

Catherine starts paying Chloe to sleep with her husband because it turns her on. David gets freaky with Chloe and makes distinguished Liam Neeson sex faces. Ooh yeah I’m Liam Neeson and I’m very distinguished even with Amanda Seyfried’s hands down my pants. Liam Neeson could probably bestow knighthood on Patrick Stewart with his distinguished penis and Captain Picard would just bow and say, “Make it so, number one.”

Then Chloe seduces Catherine for some hot R rated action. Take that PG-13! You have to be 17 to see this shit. Or have access to the internet. What’s the point of having a ratings system nowadays? Well kids, you can either go all the way down to the theater and be turned away at the door or stay in your house and see all the nudity you want. Well, which is it?! Hurry up I don’t have all day! I guess that’s the ticket booth guy talking.

Spoiler Alert

Damn, Chloe went from charming prostitute to obsessive stalker pretty quick. Like five minutes after they had sex Chloe is all up in Catherine’s office causing some crazy shit. Then she’s seducing Catherine’s teenage son and having orgasms looking at Catherine’s shoes and coats. Yeah high heels! So great! If you asked me Chloe had a much cooler coat than Catherine.

I thought the acting in Chloe was really good. The only thing I didn’t understand is, at the beginning of the movie Chloe was going on and on about what a great prostitute she is because she knows exactly the right thing to say and the right way to act to make people fall in love with her and feel good.

So when she fell in stalker love with Catherine why didn’t she just keep up the act instead of going all nuts and acting like a lunatic? I mean, if you’re a master of manipulation and seduction why not just keep doing what you’re doing until you get what you want? I’m not trying to give out stalker tips or anything but seems to me one way to get someone to love you is not hold a hairpin to their neck.

Then again, what if that is the one thing I don’t know about love, like the equivalent of the Konami code for making someone instantly love you? Oh how did you two meet? Well I wasn’t that into her but then she stabbed me with a hairpin and here I am pushing this baby carriage. Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Stab!