Commando:  Let Me Say A Word Or Two About Freedom Williams

Commando: Let Me Say A Word Or Two About Freedom Williams

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for Commando.

BRYAN
“Let’s party”…

Hell yeah, let’s party. Speaking of which, did you see how buff Freddie Mercury was there? Hard to believe he died of AIDS just a few years later… Or was it still called GRID then? Either way, dude really knew how to take it to ol’ Arnie.

I’m kinda amazed that no one talks about his performance in this movie. Do you think he and the Arnz became blood brothers on the set? Why was that such a thing back in the 80s? Blood brothers…what the fuck?!

I remember this little hillbilly kid explaining to me what “blud bruthers” meant in elementary school. “It’s when yew cut yer wrists an’ put yer veins tugether so ur blud can run tugether…blud bruthers…” (I’m paraphrasing). I may have had a rat-tail and been wearing cut-off jean shorts at the time, but I thought that shit sounded ridiculous.

I decided it was in my best interest to pass and get back to my primary pursuit of trying to hang out with the kids that hung out with that other kid that had a Walkman and the “Kokomo” cassingle. Good thing too, cause I think that hillbilly kid’s older brother was suspected of devil worship…just like everyone else that lived in North Georgia at the time.

No telling what kind of spell I’d be under had I decided to swap plasma with that kitchen-knife-wielding ragamuffin. Either way, I can rest easy knowing that in all likelihood, that little hillbilly either died or is in jail because of meth. May god have Mercury on his soul.

Commando_Trailer_CrazyEye_1

TONY

I think the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Department of Health and Human Services would like to have a word with you. When they’re finished, I’d like to smack you around for bringing up “Kokomo.”

“Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama…” I’m going to be singing that shit all day. (Take THIS you sonofabitch!)

I do miss the days of the cassingle, though. There was something cathartic about riding around town blasting C+C Music Factory. “Gonna make you sweat. Sweeeat.” Well, yeah, C+C Music Factory, I am sweating. But that’s because my 84 Nissan Sentra’s air conditioner doesn’t work.

By the way, that was the younger me talking. I don’t currently drive an 84 Nissan Sentra. Although, maybe I should. Nothing gets ladies more excited than pulling up to a stoplight in a 30-year old, beat up car with the window rolled down while the master poetry of Freedom Williams fills the air. Jump to the rhythm, jump-jump to the rhythm, jump!

Commando_Trailer_BallPunching

BRYAN

While I wait for that goddamn preroll ad to finish playing on the Proclaimers video you sent, let me say a word or two about Freedom Williams. Freedom Williams, like the aforementioned Arnz and Freddie Mercury dream team, had a pretty slammin’ body…for real tho’. And you can’t deny bro’s early-90’s dance moves. Dude must have been drowning in hoop-ear-ringed, fly-girl pussy amirite!? This much is evident at the 12-second mark of this video. Case fucking closed. Those spandex-wearing day players got paid more than just scale that day, guaranteed. And to be able to transition from the shirtless dancer that’s giving his all to that scholar in a mock turtleneck and glasses? This might be the wine talking, but I think Freedom Williams is my spirit animal.

Commando_Trailer_Shooting_1

TONY

I’ve always thought that drowning would be the worst way to die, but you’ve made me rethink my position. Put on Silk’s “Freak Me,” send in the Fly Girls and let’s do this.

Speaking of “Freak Me,” my favorite part of that song are the lines, “I love the taste of whipped cream. Spread it on, don’t be mean.” Oh, the glorious, fun-filled 90’s. These days it would be more like, “I love the taste of whipped cream. But, it has sugar, and that’s not allowed on the Paleo diet. Got any whipped cream made with coconut milk?” Not only does that not rhyme, it totally ruins the mood. If you’re going to introduce food into your next sexual throwdown, you can’t start calorie counting. In that situation, a moment on the lips and forever on the hips are both positives.

Commando was released in theaters October 4, 1985.

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