Diary of the Dead

You know who keeps a diary of the dead? Skully Skeleton, the mossy skeleton from a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean highlighted in the Wonder Boys and The Lovely Bones reviews. And what a scandalous diary it is! I could make a joke about how he dishes on who is “boning” who, but I’m not some purveyor of cheap jokes and Skully is certainly no gossip. If you must know, he writes about the length of his ribcage and his skeleton dreams, where he lives in a big skull palace.

George Romero saw YouTube and said I wonder what would happen if zombies plus YouTube happened. So he made a movie about it. A group of college kids is making a bad horror movie and then the radio reports come in. Get ready to download something to your pants because zombies are here. The little auteurs pack their camera equipment in an RV and drive around the countryside running over zombies and filming each other having nervous breakdowns.

Somehow the internet is still working in zombie world, so they download zombie videos and video chat with each other. I guess they probably tweet on twitter, too. Every time Skully Skeleton tweets, it’s because a bird flew into his skull and can’t figure how to get out.

One of the college students films all the time no matter what even when his friends are getting chomped on by zombies, because he’s so committed to documenting everything. If I was him I would have strapped the camera and a bunch of guns to a wheelchair or a cart with wheels on it. Or maybe a shoulder camera harness so you can have a gun in each hand. Problem solved, now you can kill zombies and film everything.

But no, this dummy holds a bulky video camera to his face the whole time. Most pocket sized digital cameras record HD video these days, but this budding James Cameron had to go with the biggest camera he could get his hands on. This isn’t your dumb friend trying to jump on the roof from a trampoline or a girl in her underwear dancing to Lil Wayne. This is a bunch of living corpses! Take a few pictures with your iPhone, put it on Flickr and live to see another day.

SPOILERS AHEAD

A zombie chows down on Lil’ Federico Fellini while he (you guessed it) is running down a dark hallway trying to film shit with his whale of a camera. He might as well have been using a camera from the 1800’s with the bellows on the front. I say, you zombies hold still while I stand under this dark cloth and compose your image. Then it’s off to the penny arcade for all the malted brains we can eat. Our waistcoat buttons will be stretched to popping!

Oh, Skully Skeleton! You’re just in time, me and these zombies were going for malts and diversions. A performance of readings from your diary? I’d love to attend! One adult, three zombies and one skeleton for “The Skull Palace”, please!

Next Article

Red Faction: Guerrilla