Enduring Love

Damn, everybody reviewing this on Netflix seemed all mad that this movie starts off with a tense action packed hot air balloon rescue attempt and then doesn’t have any more scenes like it for the rest of the movie. If you want a hot air balloon endangering someone’s life in every scene of a movie I suggest you rent UP. Or make some kind of horror movie about a killer hot air balloon. I guess it would be pretty hard for a hot air balloon to sneak up on anybody. It would have to pretend to be the moon or something. The only thing that can take down a killer hot air balloon is the Goodyear Blimp, and it reads, ‘Ice Cube’s a Pimp’.

Daniel Craig plays Joe Rose, a professor who sees an old man and his grandson crash their amazing hot air balloon into a field. You’re not going to win that race around the world in 80 days flying like that, old-timer! Joe and some other men try to save the kid and one of the men hangs on to the rope for too long and falls to his death.

Joe feels really guilty about the whole thing and turns into a big drag to be around. Jed (Rhys Ifans), one of the other rescuers from the balloon, falls in love with Joe and thinks Joe is sending him messages from the way he holds his curtains. Nothing says “romance me” like the way someone holds curtains: ooh girl don’t try to front I saw the way you were holding those curtains. So Jed stalks the everloving shit out of Joe and starts calling him Jo-Jo.

Jo-Jo hates his new nickname and can’t be bothered to say a word to his girlfriend when she cooks him a nice dinner. I wouldn’t want to talk to her either, she won’t listen to Jo-Jo when he says I HAVE A STALKER THERE THAT’S HIM SITTING ON THE PLAYGROUND IN THE RAIN WATCHING ME IN THE WINDOW.

Here’s some dating advice: if a stalker starts stalking your boyfriend and calling him Jo-Jo Jiminy Ding Dang (Jo-Jo for short) you might want to get a Kevlar vest to go with your breakfast robe. Wait. What the hell’s a breakfast robe? Did I just invent an amazing new article of clothing? I’m afraid to google it for fear someone else has thought of it. I picture eggs and bacon stitched on the pockets.

SPOILER ALERT: Jed stabs Joe’s girlfriend and the only way Joe can get him to drop the knife is if he kisses that creepy ass dude full on the lips. I would have thrown a drawer full of silverware at him, but I guess kissing on the lips is an accepted form of negotiation in a tense stand-off. Damn I guess I just tipped off would be burglars that my go-to burglar stopping tool is a drawer of silver flung at their black masks or bags of stolen valuables. Looks like it’s smooches after all, night prowler. Get ready to be kissed by the best.

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