Enslaved: Odyssey to the West is about a criminal named Monkey with spiky bleached blonde hair and a bunch of muscles. Also, red makeup on his face. But like, manly makeup. You know, it’s a shame more dudes can’t wear makeup. Well, drag queens can, but I mean like if I want to put on war paint or something without looking too glamorous. Look here, drag queens, stop singing empowering Cher covers at me! I’m firmly pro-drag queen. Well, inasmuch as I’m not making out with drag queens but quietly supporting their fabulous lifestyles.
Anyway, Monkey gets enslaved by a girl named Trip who puts a slave crown/headband on his head that makes him do whatever she says. It is very stylish. Well, the headband is stylish, not getting enslaved. Trip says Monkey has to help her get back to her home town, which won’t be easy because it’s 150 years in the future and horrible killer robots are everywhere trying to MURDER ALL HUMANS. Worst of all, the robots don’t have stylish hats.
Luckily for Trip, Monkey can flip around and climb walls and has a staff that also shoots energy bolts. When I was a kid I’d find a long stick and pretend it was a staff and I was Donatello from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Or Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood. I explained to my mom that I would not be needing karate lessons, because I was “training” myself with the staff, or “Bo” as I called it. So I spent most of my childhood fighting off both Alan Rickman and Shredder’s Foot clan. And girls my own age, of course. Nothing sixth grade girls like more than a little redneck flailing around with a stick he found in the woods. In fact, I think Tiger Beat just wrapped up its “Hillbillies with Sticks” issue.
Also, Trip and Monkey team up with Pigsy, a fat little man with a metal pig nose. I wish I had a little pig with a metal cover for his nose. Steel Bacon, I’d call him. Maybe with a little metal suit of armor for him to wear. Who picks a fight with a graphic designer and his metal armored pig? People who haven’t read Charlotte’s Web, that’s who. Some pig? Some unkilleable pig, you mean!
Enslaved: Odyssey to the West surprised me by making me feel strong emotions about the three main characters and I even got a little choked up toward the end. The last time I cried at a video game was when I broke my Super Nintendo controller fighting over who got to play next with my best friend in sixth grade. I should have hit him over the head with my awesome staff. This game had some of the best cutscenes of the year and one of the most engaging story lines I’ve seen in any game. If me and my metal pig were handing out Oscars for games, Enslaved would definitely have been nominated.
And the Metal Pig Oscar goes to….Babe: Pig In The City??!!! Damn you, Steel Bacon! I told you to stop tampering with the envelopes! Th-th-th-that’s all folks!