Europa Report: Let’s Throw Our Most Hated Technology Into A Portal To Another World

Europa Report: Let’s Throw Our Most Hated Technology Into A Portal To Another World

There’s a floor in my office building that I think might be a portal to another universe. People on the elevator are always getting off on this floor with their suitcases, but nobody ever comes back down with any luggage. What if there’s a Bioshock Infinite-style tear in the fabric of reality on that floor, and people pay to travel to different versions of our world?

They sure don’t look excited about it, if that’s the case. Maybe they’re playing it cool so nobody gets wise to their dimension-hopping. If I ran the dimensional portal service, I’d be like, “Make sure to wear sunglasses and just nod at everybody. Don’t mention the door to another world. If anybody asks you what the luggage is for, tell them you hate your suitcase and you’re going to throw it off the roof.”

There’s a printer in the office that I’d love to throw off the roof. It never prints anything right! All it wants out of life is to tear important documents up and make you put your hand inside it looking for the pieces. If I chewed up your passport and then made you put your fingers in my mouth until I spit it back out again, you wouldn’t want me in your office, but somehow this printer gets a free ride!

It constantly beeps whenever it jams up, too. The beeping sounds exactly like the “Wii Shop Channel” music on the Nintendo Wii. One time while the printer was performing its beep song, I said, “Does anybody else think this sounds like the shopping music on the Nintendo Wii?” and my coworkers looked at me with blank stares. What if they’re from a dimension where the Wii was never invented? I should throw them off the roof, too.

Maybe the guy that runs the dimensional portal will let me send the printer to another world. If he doesn’t, I’m going to spit his passport in his face.

Anyway, if you see me on the elevator with a printer beeping the Wii shopping theme, and I’m wearing sunglasses and nodding a lot, you’ll know I finally got the guts to save our universe from shitty printers. Or better yet, I’ll be going to a world with NO PRINTERS. Is it worth it to leave my family and friends behind to never have to clear another paper jam? Probably. It worked for the people in Europa Report. Do you see any printers on their ship? Hell, no.

In theaters August 2nd.