In the year 2034, twenty years after the 2014 zombie uprising, bloggers are respected licensed journalists and are required to carry firearms for zombie killing. Everyone has to take a blood test to get in and out of their cars or houses or hotels. I’m glad my car doesn’t test my blood before I can exit, the window motor is broken and the windows are stuck in the up position, so I’m not sure I’d like to add zombie blood testing to its crippled electrical system.

I once had a car that leaked antifreeze and oil onto the engine, causing smoke to billow out from under the hood. That car was missing its driver’s side window altogether so I had to put a tarp over it. One day I got caught in a thunderstorm outside a Krystal, with rain pouring into my car and black smoke pouring out of my hood. Then a pretty girl pulled up next to me. Oh hello, I’m just over here role-playing that I’m Captain Planet and I’m giving my two best friends Fire and Water a ride to the recycling center. Let’s go on a date and eat a sackful of Krystal burgers.

Georgia and Shaun Mason, a brother and sister blogging team, are following Senator Peter Ryman around on his presidential campaign. He’s a pretty stand up guy, but people keep trying to kill him with zombies. If I was trying to assassinate somebody, I’d use bullets, zombies or no zombies. No wait, I’d use an awesome sword. With a donkey on the hilt. The donkey sword would be a coveted weapon indeed, forged by a mule in the light of the donkey moon.

I know the Senator is supposed to be a lantern jawed All-American guy, but in my head he was portrayed by John C. Reilly, about which imdb.com had this to say:

With a homely mug, lumbering gait and unruly mop of curly hair tailor-made for offbeat character work, John C. Reilly played a host of seamy characters to great effect over the years.

Damn, imdb.com, he’s not Shrek. You can pull some punches. Why not just write, “with his ass ugly face that even a mule’s butt would beat in a beauty contest, and neanderthal body that’s just an ungainly collection of mismatched parts, John C. Reilly is a good actor.”

I also pictured Olivia Thilrby as the sardonic blogger Georgia Mason and Tyler Labine from the underrated show Reaper as Shaun Mason. Labine because he seemed perfect for the affable slow-to-anger Shaun and Thirlby because I could picture her wearing dark glasses everywhere and hunting down the truth. Also, she doesn’t get cast in enough stuff, even book characters in my head. Sadly, the pay for that kind of thing is negligible.

Now there’s a business idea: actors and actresses charge people to picture them in their heads as book characters. $200 per role. That’s an easy two hundred bucks right there. John C. Reilly could buy buckets of water to put out the villagers’ torches after imdb.com incites a riot against him in his castle. Burn the monster! Down 1000% in popularity this week! See why on IMDBPro!

Feed is a good zombie book in a crowded genre of zombie books. It really drills down into the details of the technology required to keep a zombie outbreak under control, and how the media would handle information in a world under constant viral threat. I even got sad when a character I liked got bitten by a zombie. I don’t consider that a spoiler, because if you’re reading a zombie book and no one gets bitten by a zombie, then you might as well be reading a book about zombies who bow and say, “How do you do?”. What a gentleman- he removes his hat AND his head for a lady!

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