Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Just what the world needs—a sexy Ebenezer Scrooge.

Matthew McConaughey’s character bones his way through an alternate dimension where there are no STDs, women think of McConaughey with slicked back hair as some kind of sex god, the brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind there’s a lake of stew and of whiskey too you can paddle all around ’em in a big canoe in the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

Let me ask you this, GHOSTS. Why do you give a damn into whom or what this man has or will put his penis?  Not sure what you lady ghosts are getting out of this whole deal. Do lady ghosts get a bag of ghost money every time Matthew McConaughey falls in love?

Damn girl where did you get that ecto-dress? I haunted Matthew McConaughey and GOT PAID.

Seems like if you want to haunt a man about his sexual past you’d do it with a ghostly floating dick, not a beautiful lady. Ooooooh, I am the ghost of your dick, Matthew McConaughey. <chains rattle>

You know who’s the best Scrooge of all? Scrooge McDuck. Because even though he lives in a world of duck robots and golden helicopters, he keeps his head on straight. He might solve a mystery or rewrite history but no matter what he’s got his priorities in order and I admire him for that.

Can you imagine Ghosts of Girlfriends Past starring Scrooge McDuck? Oh Hilda Quackengoose! Debra Featherbill! Jennifer Garner! Sorry I slept with you and dumped you. What’s that?! You’ve got twenty ducklings to support and they’re all mine?

Just put it on my bill!

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