Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

This review contains mild spoilers.

Well, now that Dumbledore is dead, Voldemort is having evil wizard parties. Doesn’t seem like much fun. He spins a lady around in the air then feeds her to his pet snake. Isn’t that how redneck parties go, with something getting fed to a snake?

Harry Potter and a bunch of fake Harry Potter decoys try to fool Voldemort flying around on brooms and magic motorcycles to the Weasley farmhouse. It doesn’t work out. Who would have thought the world’s most powerful evil wizard would have found Harry Potter on that magic flying motorcycle with his friend the enormous giant and his other friend the white owl he’s been carrying to wizard school all these years?

If I was chairman of the hiding-Harry-Potter committee (first muggle in office, thank you very much), I’d say hang on wizards, let’s put away all this magic shit and try something else that Voldemort wouldn’t expect. Let’s dress Harry up like a businessman, put a hat on him (NO NOT A POINTY WIZARD HAT) and have a limo drive him to the Weasley’s. Have him talk on a cell phone the whole time. No one ever looks twice at a guy in a suit who looks like he’s rich because no one wants to throw up in the bushes with jealousy. This can also be used to skip out on meals at T.G.I. Friday’s.

Then Harry, Ron and Hermione go into hiding in a tent with a Horcrux, which is a little piece of Voldemort’s soul in a locket. Surprisingly, it’s not a photo of him with his sweetie at the county fair. One time I went to a county fair in the parking lot of a mall. It was really just a Ferris wheel and a corn dog stand. When I asked the carnie whether the Ferris wheel was safe to ride as I was getting on it he said, “We’ll see” and pulled the lever to start it.

If I was Voldemort and I was hiding the darkest parts of my soul in different objects I’d have to put at least one Horcrux in a vinyl single of “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” by The Smiths. Take me out tonight/where there’s music and there’s people/who are young and alive/because I’m trying to find Harry Potter/so I can kill him with a wand/I took off Malfoy’s dad

After a bunch of fussing and fighting with Ron and some sexy dancing to Nick Cave with Hermione, Harry strips down and jumps in an icy pond because he sees the Sword of Gryffindor at the bottom. Dear evil wizards, if you are ever trying to kill Harry Potter,  just put something that looks like the thing he wants at the bottom of a frozen body of water, as he will leap naked into it without hesitation. That also works for older lady wizards who want to get Harry Potter’s clothes off. “Oh Harry, would you mind getting my good earrings I dropped them in the bottom of the bathtub and now the bathtub is frozen somehow so TAKE YOUR ROBES OFF DAMN IT!”  Wow, aggressive wizard lady.

Then Ron has to stab the Horcrux with the sword, black smoke comes out talking shit and Heaven knows Ron is miserable now because a weirdly smoothed-skinned Harry and Hermione are making out in the smoke. I like how even though the talking smoke is the embodiment of evil, it still tastefully refrains from showing Hermione’s breasts. Thanks for keeping it classy, smoke monster.

Voldemort opens up Dumbledore’s grave and hovers over him with his face close enough to Dumbledore’s face to give him butterfly kisses with his eyelashes. Does Voldemort have eyelashes? He takes Dumbledore’s super wand and is all like pow zoom lightning whoosh pyrotechnics magic! I guess he’s not worried about anyone catching him grave robbing.

Then the movie ends, quite abruptly, actually.