Movies
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry Potter and Dumbledore bust into a house to find a wizard pretending to be a couch. Dumbledore wants him to teach at Hogwarts wizard school, but not as a couch- as a wizard. They already have a recliner that has tenure. The wizard’s name is Professor Horace Slughorn and he teaches potions, but not the kind that Ice Cube takes a sip of before he hits the three-wheel motion.
The death eaters want Draco Malfoy to kill Dumbledore. Nice plan, skull faces. That’s who I’d send to assassinate one of the world’s oldest and most powerful wizards- the richest kid in school! That’s why Richie Rich has all those ads in Soldier of Fortune magazine: WEALTHY BLOND TEENAGER WITH SOFT MUSCLES AND FLAXEN HAIR READY TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO ELIMINATE TARGET. The Death Eaters make Severus Snape take an oath to protect Malfoy so he links arms with Draco’s mother and silvery light wraps around them just like on a toothpaste logo and he makes the UNBREAKABLE VOW.
Harry Potter finds the ultimate cheat sheet for his potions class in an old book filled with notes by someone named ‘The Half-Blood Prince’. He uses the notes to make awesome potions and Professor Slughorn just says great job Harry Potter even though you never really were that great at potions before I guess you just got really amazing this year somehow even though you didn’t even want to take this class and just wandered in at the last minute. Harry gets invited to a party! His friend Neville Longbottom has to serve drinks. Harry has no problem with this whatsoever. Thanks for the butterbeer, man. Do wizards ever valet park their broomsticks because it seems like Harry wouldn’t mind handing Neville the keys to his Nimbus 2000.
Now Harry Potter is in love with Ginny Weasley. Wait, what? Yeah, that’s right. He’s in love with her in the best possible way for a movie or book character to love another character: just because, damn it! Ron and Hermione I get, because for six years now they’ve been spending every waking moment together, traveling through time, hitting trolls on the head, giving socks to house elves. A bond is clearly there that I can accept would turn into romantic attraction. But Ginny is Harry’s acquaintance at best so pardon me if I don’t buy that his heart burns as hot as the back of a Blast-Ended Skrewt for a girl that’s been at the periphery of his exciting life filled with exciting things that would normally distract him from just that sort of girl.
Harry drinks a vial of luck, goes to a spider’s funeral and gets Professor Slughorn drunk so he can steal a memory out of his head. The last time an educated man got this drunk at a spider’s funeral, Doctor Octopus was pouring eight different bottles of Grey Goose on Peter Parker’s grave and Mary Jane Watson was doing Jello shots off Harry Osborn’s bare chest and yelling, “Spring Break!”
Dumbledore and Harry go out to a cave by the ocean to destroy one of Voldemort’s horcruxes, which is an inanimate object that a magician splits his soul into in order to live forever, like David Copperfield’s iPhone. Usually when an old man in his pajamas with a crazy beard wants to take you to a cave you should yell and run away. Dumbledore forces Harry to make him drink a potion even though it is really horrible. Lot of potion stuff going on in this movie. I bet there’s a guy that makes glass vials driving around in a Lexus now thanks to the props budget.
Spoiler That Everyone Already Knows Alert
Snape kills Dumbledore. The horcrux was a fake. Damn, another funeral in this movie. Surprised nobody mentioned how great potions were in the eulogy. Also- when a Hogwarts headmaster dies, they appear in a portrait on the wall and talk and sleep and give advice and whatnot. So why doesn’t Harry Potter just take the portrait of Dumbledore with him so the old wizard can tell him what he needs to do next? Oh, that’s just a magical way to communicate with the only man who knows what I should do to save the entire wizarding world, but he’s napping so I’ll just let him doze.
I was sad when Dumbledore got killed. Even got a little teary-eyed. Usually when an old man in his pajamas with a crazy beard makes you cry, it’s because he managed to get you in that cave he was going on about. Farewell, Albus Dumbledore! See you on the wall of your former office catching some zzz’s while Harry Potter figures things out on his own.
