He Don’t Dance Like Carlton (Mass Effect 2)

He Don’t Dance Like Carlton (Mass Effect 2)

An evaluation of my second playthrough of Mass Effect 2, which I first reviewed in February.

I played Mass Effect 2 as a woman this time. This lady Commander Shepard is very dear to my heart. She was the Mass Effect character I created after I got burglarized and my first Xbox 360 was stolen. Burns me up thinking of my very first Commander Shepard out there in some thief’s house, never to continue his adventures. He looked like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and had a scar over his eye. He didn’t dance like Carlton, though. What if one day the police call me and say hey we know it’s been three years but we found your stolen Xbox and now you can play your Carlton look-alike Mass Effect guy in Mass Effect 2. I don’t know why the police would be so interested in me finishing a ME campaign, but I salute their enthusiasm. What a silly dreamer I am.

Speaking of silly dreams- I kid you not last night I had a dream about a giant muscular kangaroo, at least thirty feet tall, wearing red trunks and red boxing gloves punching car hoods in the middle of the interstate. Next thing you know, I’m trying to convince Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg to get on a ferris wheel. Dr. Dre was like, “You said we wouldn’t go higher than thirty feet!”

Commander Veronica Shepard (I was watching Veronica Mars at the time and had a wee bit of a crush on Kristen Bell) had a sassy short haircut, full kissable lips and a dark complexion. I had her involved in a romance with Thane the amphibian-spiritual-Buddhist-sort-of-human-assassin but then he got all gushy with the feelings talk so at the end of the game I kept putting him in charge of stuff where I was pretty sure he would get killed off for good. Is that how you girls do it? If I was a woman and some guy started all that flowery nonsense I might be tempted to put him in front a geth bullet, too. Thane took a shot right in the gut and died honorably without ever finding out how much I was rolling my eyes at his fussy little declarations of love.

Then not five seconds after getting back on the Normandy I had my ship’s yeoman Kelly Chambers doing a strip tease for me in my captain’s chambers. Now that’s how you grieve! I really like that this game gives you the option to have a lady strip for your lady captain before your boyfriend’s body was even cold. Or warm. I don’t know how it works with lizard/fish dudes.

This time I took the thief Kasumi with me on a lot of missions because I paid Microsoft a bunch of Microsoft bucks to have her as a downloadable character. For as much as I paid for her teleporting ass, she needs to be the one stripping in my captain’s chambers. Also, I tried to make sure that the crazy-bionic-bald-headed-tattooed girl Jack survived to the end of the game because my other Commander Shepard played with her heart and hurt her feelings then she took the bullet to the gut that was clearly meant for Thane. So by this logic, I’m trying to make it up to an imaginary video game character for past injustices. Oh hey Xbox 360 game character, I know you are made of pixels and aren’t real and all but I’m so obsessed with this story that I feel a strange obligation to see you safely to the end of the game this time around.  See, this is how cosplay gets started. Not sexy cosplay either, like fatty in a Stormtrooper outfit eating a Philly cheesesteak sandwich sitting on a box of comic books at a convention cosplay.

At the end of the game I blew up the Collector base ship and pissed off the The Illusive Man, aka Martin Sheen’s voice and face with some weird glowing eye circles, so we’ll see how that goes whenever Mass Effect 3 comes out. Guess I’ll just kill the next year or whatever doing dumb non-Mass Effect related activities like spending time with loved ones or sustaining my body with food and oxygen. I suppose I could start trying to breed that super kangaroo I dreamed about. Anybody got a pair of enormous kangaroo boxing shorts and a working knowledge of kangaroo genetics? Not so fast, Dr. Dre! That’s not what your doctorate is in! You’re just trying to get off that Ferris wheel.

Next Article

Zombieland