Iron Man 2

This review contains spoilers.

So Iron Man is back. The government wants him to give up his Iron Man suit, but he doesn’t want to do it. A senator says, “Give me that suit!” but Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) says NO WAY. Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) is a Russian who hates Iron Man but he’s also a tough bad-ass physicist with tattoos and gold teeth. He makes his own Iron Man Arc Reactor to power his energy whips. What’s with the whips? Iron Man is not a lion. He is not a horse you want to giddyup or an orphan you want to pick pockets for you. He is a man made of iron.

Vanko shows up at the Monaco Grand Prix. Tony Stark puts himself in the race at the last minute, replacing the driver of the car he owns. Vanko is disguised as a pit crew member so he can walk out on the track and whip cars with his electricity whips. Wait- he didn’t know Tony Stark was going to be driving in that race, was he just there to whip cars for fun? Did Iron Man just sort of fall in his lap? As far as he knew, Tony Stark would be sitting in the stands. Why even bother disguising yourself as a pit crew member? Just buy a ticket to the race, walk over to Tony Stark and then whip him in the face. Uh oh, I think another song is coming on….

Just buy a ticket to the race/Whip Iron Man in the face/Uh…something something keep your daughters chaste…

Iron Man turns into a drunk and throws an awesome party. He shoots a watermelon with an energy beam. I did that at a farmer’s market once. They kicked me out, but not before I could shoplift some nutmeg and organic vegetables. Then I vaporized a basket of cage-free eggs. Nope, me and my laser are not welcome at the farmer’s market. Meanwhile Lt. Colonel James Rhodes (Don Cheadle) steals an Iron Man suit while Stark is busy being a drunk.

Iron Man turns his company over to his assistant Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow). I guess all the speakers in the elevators will play Coldplay now. Natalie Rushman (Scarlett Johansson) is Iron Man’s secretary. But really, she’s Black Widow, a Russian secret agent working for S.H.I.E.L.D.. How to put this delicately, her backside is amazing. How does one compliment a woman’s behind without sounding like a dirty old man? I suppose it’s never appropriate in a public setting like a movie review. There needs to be a gentleman’s guide to backside compliments or something. “Madam, had I a hat I’d tip it directly at your posterior.” That seems like a quick way to go to jail, walking around taking off your hat for ladies’ bottoms.

Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) is a rival weapons manufacturer who wants in on the tin man action so he hires Ivan Vanko to build him a bunch of iron man drones. Vanko breaks into Hammer’s computer network in seconds by tapping at some keys. Tap tap tap, give me your secrets computer. What did he type that was so incredible a computer gave him access to the company network moments after he got online? Login: IAMACLICHE Password: COMPUTERSNEVERWORKLIKETHIS.

Rhodes loads up the Iron Man suit he took with all kinds of guns and rockets and he and Iron Man fight Vanko next to a river. Vanko nearly bests them with the lashes of his whips, but they defeat whiplash with plastic neck braces and a case brought against the other driver involved in the fender bender in small claims court. The court decides in their favor! They are interviewed leaving the courtroom by The People’s Court host and court reporter Doug Llewelyn.

If you’re Iron Man and someone files a lawsuit against you and you’re convinced you’ve done nothing wrong, don’t be intimidated. The best policy is to go to court and stand up for your rights. Don’t take the law into your own hands: you take ’em to court!

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