It Was Probably Her Tusks That Gave Me That Impression: A Review Of “Star Trek: Generations”
captains

It Was Probably Her Tusks That Gave Me That Impression: A Review Of “Star Trek: Generations”

The Starship Enterprise has a new crew and it’s going on its maiden voyage! Captain Kirk and Scotty and Chekov are there visiting, but the new captain makes them sit in little plastic chairs over by the wall like they’re waiting on their girlfriends to get done shopping at Anthropologie. Later, the new captain emerges with a cute scarf and a pewter spoon with an owl on it.

Suddenly, there’s a distress call because two starships are being crushed by a mysterious energy ribbon. Also, the crew members aboard are crushed because they didn’t win the “Best Starship” ribbon at the county fair. If only a spider had written “Some Starship” in her web, they might have had a chance.

Scotty takes over the warp drive and saves forty people from the energy ribbon by beaming them aboard the Enterprise. Captain Kirk goes down to fix the deflector shields, gets sucked into space and is pronounced dead. Guess he shouldn’t have dropped out of Deflector Shield Technical College with only two semesters left.

Seventy eight years later, the crew of Star Trek: The Next Generation is having a grand old time on the holodeck pretending they’re 19th century sailors. To celebrate his promotion, they make the Klingon Worf walk the plank and jump in the air for a hat. Then they make him take off his top for a Girls Gone Wild shirt. The android Data gets in on the act by pushing Beverly Crusher into the ocean, kicking off the Enterprise’s first wet T-shirt contest. Commander Riker cuts his uniform pants into Daisy Dukes and dances to “Cocktales” by Too $hort.

Judging by the metallic pallor of Data’s face, he’s been huffing more spray paint than a ne’er-do-well Banksy from a parallel universe. Data puts a chip inside his head so he can understand human emotions. Unfortunately, it’s just an SD card loaded with pirated Tyler Perry movies. After installing the chip, Data decides that he can do bad all by himself and begins writing a diary from the perspective of a mad black woman.

Captain Picard gets an email that upsets him, and storms out of the holodeck in his sailor suit. Normally, the only thing that can make Picard rush out dressed as a sailor is half-priced drink specials at his favorite male strip club, The Anchor.

Meanwhile, a solar probe blows up a nearby sun and sends out a shock wave. Turns out Malcolm McDowell was in league with the Klingons, two of whom have amazing breasts. I once saw a dancer with a tattoo on her leg that read “100% USDA Grade A Beefat a rundown club called Lucifer’s Follies. She had an amazing body and a face that looked like an orc from Lord of the Rings. It was probably her tusks that gave me that impression.

Picard beams down to a planet where Malcolm McDowell is about to shoot a rocket into the sun so he can redirect the energy ribbon and get back into the nexus. He’s got a force field up, but crafty Picard sneaks through a hole in the rocks. Incidentally, “sneaking through a hole in the rocks” costs an additional $200 at Picard’s favorite male strip club, The Anchor.

Picard gets pulled into the nexus, where he meets Captain Kirk, who is living in his own private heaven with his favorite dog and his ex-girlfriend, and where $#*! My Dad Says was a critical and commercial success. Picard convinces him to go back in time to fight Malcolm McDowell. McDowell turns his rocket invisible with a remote control. Picard and Kirk struggle to find the remote and then the rocket prematurely explodes, both of which are common problems for men their age.

Picard stops the rocket and saves the Enterprise, but Captain Kirk dies under a bridge, like a troll or a dancer at Lucifer’s Follies. Picard buries Kirk under some rocks and Data finds his missing cat. Star Trek!