Tilda Swinton bare asses her way though the first quarter of this movie as a boozy oversexed tosspot. She spends the rest of the movie fully clothed as a boozy kidnapping tosspot who steals a wealthy old man’s grandson as a favor for her crazy Mexican neighbor.

I wonder if Tilda Swinton was like ‘We’re doing this movie with me showing my boobs and wearing crazy art lady jewelry or we’re not doing this movie at all.’ Her character Julia dresses like she’s always five minutes away from going to a gallery opening or a pottery class.

Julia tries to pull the old double cross, flees to Mexico and pretty soon she’s best friends in the world with the boy she just stole. He must emit some kind of pheromone that attracts kidnappers though, because Mexican thugs steal him away from Julia. She doesn’t even have time to take a drink or get naked- she’s gotta rescue that kid!

Saul Rubinek, (the actor who played Daphne’s fiancé on the show Frasier) plays a man in love with Julia who has no idea what to do with her tossed salad and scrambled eggs.

Conan O’Brien jokes about looking like Tilda Swinton- he should go as ‘Julia’ for Halloween. Andy Richter could go as the kidnapped boy.

Next stop Spoilertown:
So it turns out she grows to love that little rich kid. I like that the first thing he gravitated toward when she let him buy his own clothes in Mexico was a blazer. You can kidnap the boy out of the mansion but you can’t kidnap the mansion out of the boy.

‘Julia’ portrays Mexico as a filthy slum with plywood doors on everything. The first dude they meet in Mexico turns out to be a swarthy criminal, with swarthy criminal friends.

They should have put in a wealthy Mexican businessman character to balance it out a little. Like maybe he breezes through one scene with a briefcase, saying “No time to talk, I’m on my way to an important meeting in much nicer part of Mexico, which exists.”

Next Article