Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths

Lex Luthor fighting for….GOOD?!! (rubs eyes, blinks in amazement) Even Superman can’t believe it. Until he uses his x-ray vision to see Luthor’s heart is on the wrong side of his body, so he’s clearly from an alternate dimension where good is bad, everyone’s organs are reversed, every Waffle House is a Huddle House and every town’s City Hall is an IHOP. Guess I’m in the mood for pancakes.

Luthor-2 crosses over into our dimension and says hey Justice League help me out with your villainous counterparts! The Justice League says OK we’ll come to your weird second Earth and fight the evil versions of ourselves. The evil doppelganger Justice League calls itself the “Crime Syndicate”. Nice creative naming there, criminal superheroes. If I had been in charge of naming it I would have called it “Super Crime!”. Give me all your money on account of SUPER CRIME!

Not for nothing, but the Crime Syndicate isn’t really as evil as they could be. They talk like Mafia gangsters and seem preoccupied with who controls what territory. If dark-hearted men with God-like powers really held sway over the world, I don’t think they’d act like Tony Soprano. You’d be seeing shrines built to their honor, people feeding them grapes, concubines chained to a marble dais, graven images- the standard Gods walk among us package. Even Jabba the Hut managed to get a slave Leia and he never even got any exercise, much less superpowers.

Hey Crime Syndicate-here’s a free tip on how to defeat some dimension hopping superheroes if they ever show up in your alternate Earth looking to take away your Super Crime. Take some civilian hostages and make their families fight the Justice League to get them back. Now those super dummies are running around trying to find non-lethal ways to fight off a mob of desperate people, your absolute power is reinforced and you can eat pancakes at city hall with Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini.

You know who was truly a villain? Batman’s sinister counterpart OwlMan. The final battle/philosophical debate between him and Batman was like watching Carl Jung fight Nietzsche in a bat suit. I think the heaviest line of dialogue was when Batman asked Owlman how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and Owlman said that choosing to destroy the original Earth from which all alternate Earths originated, thus eradicating all reality, was the only choice that has any effect at all. Then he bit the Tootsie Pop.

You know, if I was that kid in the Tootsie Pop commercial, I wouldn’t trust an owl just because he was wearing a mortarboard cap. I don’t even think I know of a University that would admit an owl. Even if they did, there’s no degree for Candy Studies. That owl is running a straight up Tootsie Pop scam, with SUPER CRIME.

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