Man of Steel: I Hope Superman’s Friends Don’t Know Which Direction To Point At The Fortress Of Solitude

Man of Steel: I Hope Superman’s Friends Don’t Know Which Direction To Point At The Fortress Of Solitude

I’m glad there’s another Man of Steel trailer, because the studios need to drum up some interest in this obscure indie gem about a little-known comic book character. “Man of Steel? Is that a sequel to Steel, the critical darling for which Shaq was awarded the Palme d’Or at Cannes, in recognition of his portrayal of both Iron Man and Thor at the same time, except he could also use his big-ass hammer as a gun?” (Come to think of it, who wouldn’t pay good money to see that? Get cracking, Hollywood! And make sure you spell my name right on the royalty checks, please.)

Alas, there’s no Iron Thor with a nifty hammer-gun in Man of Steel, but there is General Zod, who has journeyed across an ocean of stars to force us Earthlings to narc on Superman. Kind of like when I got grounded and snuck out my bedroom window to go play Dungeons & Dragons, and my dad tracked me down to my friend’s house. Dad didn’t even have to threaten my friends to make them give me up—they all just pointed wordlessly at the closet where I was hiding. (Thanks, guys.) [Ed note: You need a better Dungeon Master! Didn’t they read the “Snitches Get Snitches” section of the Player’s Handbook? Roll D20 to see how many stitches, etc. You should have cast “Magic Missile” on them. With your dick.]

General Zod can’t take Superman back to Krypton, since it’s been destroyed, but he can probably throw Supes into the Phantom Zone, which is kind of like being stuck in your room, pondering how much fun your friends are having slaying orcs and getting cool magic swords without you, imagining all the awesome things you should have said as your dad dragged you away, like growling “I’ll be back!” in your best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.

That’s what Man of Steel needs if it’s going to grab the attention of snooty Steel-loving moviegoers everywhere: a cool catch phrase. Like, Superman slams General Zod into the ground and says, “You’re grounded!” Or he punches him into the Phantom Zone and says, “Go to your room, Zod!” And Zod just sits there, with nothing to do but watch Steel on a loop. And not even the whole movie—just the part where Shaq shoots his hammer-gun at a carful of hoodlums and says, “It’s hammer time!” Over and over again, for all eternity, until Robert Redford hands him the Special Jury Prize.

In theaters June 14.

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