Behind the Candelabra: Maybe If Antonin Scalia Looked At Matt Damon’s Butt More Often, We Wouldn’t Have These Problems

Bad news, fans of candelabras: this trailer doesn’t have any. [Ed note: Why do I get the feeling that most news for fans of candelabras is bad news?] Yes, there is a chandelier or two, but according to Wikipedia it’s not the same thing. So if you were hoping for Citizen Kane with candelabras, well, talk about a disappointment. [Ed note: And yet fans of candle wall sconces get their Citizen Kane practically every other week!]

This trailer is actually about Liberace, the flamboyantly gay piano player who here appears more sequin than man. And it looks like he had quite the life: he wore capes, bought luxury cars and hung out with Matt Damon. He also played piano with serious dexterity and excellent posture, which means he probably hated his childhood.

Unfortunately, the trailer is just as lacking in the plot department as the candelabra one. But from what I gather, the movie is about Liberace (who looks weirdly like Gordon Gekko) playing piano, then after thirty minutes Matt Damon’s character says “wow,” which is wrapped up by more piano. Someone also throws something at the wall and breaks it, signaling that the movie is roughly two-thirds over and all the characters are in a pretty bad place right now. [Ed note: He might be throwing something at a candle wall sconce, which thinks it’s so great but definitely is NOT GREAT.]

My verdict is to see it. If nothing else, you’ll discover what Liberace’s music sounded like, which will make you more culturally well-versed and therefore a better parent one day. You might also see Matt Damon’s butt. [Ed note: I think Dr. Spock advises new parents to look at Matt Damon’s butt in his Baby and Child Care books.]

Speaking of which, I haven’t discussed Liberace’s homosexuality, but it’s worth noting that maybe Antonin Scalia will see this movie and stop being such an intolerant dickhead. Maybe.

Premieres May 26th on HBO.