In which Jason and comedian Jake Head discuss the trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man.
J: Welcome to this review of The Amazing Spider-Man trailer, Jake. Just right off the bat, does he seem that amazing? I think he’s coasting on the ability to shoot webs out of his hands. Or his wrist or butt. I don’t know where the webs come from. Glands, maybe? Possibly his heart or tear ducts. That would be something, wouldn’t it? If all that spider webbing was just the tears of a man. A spider-man. He doesn’t seem that sad. Don’t be fooled, criminals! If you were considering giving up crime because you thought your thievery or murder or whatever had brought a spider-man to tears, don’t be hasty. I mean, be hasty with your crime, because breaking the law is not something you can take your time with. Get in and get out, I say. But don’t turn your back on lawlessness. Emotionally, Spider-man is fine. He clearly thinks he’s amazing.
JH: I could not agree more about The Amazing Spider-Man, but I don’t think The Very Impressive Spider-Man could be a blockbuster. It’s too modest. I’m going to miss Tobey Maguire’s DSLs. The new Peter just isn’t as strangely arousing. I like the idea of the webs generating in his tear ducts, because the new Pete looks so damn angsty. I guarantee a 10 minute scene of him not fitting in, or a no-one-understands-me-
J: Jake, we all want to live in a world where our subway train ceilings are free of bodily fluids. But that’s never going to happen until we rid the subway of Wet Dream Dracula. He lives on the train, he sleeps upside down, and his nocturnal emissions are uncontrollable. To his credit, he’s very embarrassed about it. If you see a guy with a widow’s peak on the subway who doesn’t want anyone to touch the bedsheets he’s got tucked under his arm, you’ve got a Wet Dream Dracula on your hands. Or a regular garden variety vagrant.
You know, the best thing about a garden variety vagrant is the fresh tomatoes he brings you from his garden. I’m just kidding. Never accept fruits or vegetables from a down-and-out street person. Especially apples. Have we learned nothing from Snow White? How many more of us have to lay around in a death-like slumber surrounded by a glass coffin before we stop getting poisoned by apples?
JH: Spider-Man could be easily defeated by pesticides. I’ve never realized this until now. I’m going to see how much I could sell this information for to Doctor Octopus or the Green Goblin. I suppose he would eventually develop immunities towards the poison, but for now there is hope. I don’t know why I’ve decided to go evil. I guess it’s the possible millions.
J: I admire your willingness to betray Spider-Man for money that Doctor Octopus may or may not have. I once told Doomsday where a kryptonite mine was because he looked like he had five bucks on him. And his only outfit is ripped gray shorts and a rope belt. You’re not going to enter a lucrative financial partnership with someone wearing a rope belt. A rope belt says, “I had to choose between keeping my paddleboat tied to the dock and keeping my pants from falling down, and I chose dignity.”
Which is probably for the best, because Doomsday’s paddleboat is a spiky abomination and we are all better off knowing it is lost at sea.