Seth MacFarlane has made a movie about a kid who wishes his teddy bear to life, and 27 years later, when he’s ready to get serious with a girl, he begins to regret inviting a talking toy into his home.
I kind of get that. When I was six, there was a TV ad for a nearly-life-sized talking doll named Jill. The commercials promised that Jill was “a lot like me,” in that she could “move her head and arms real well.” That was enough. I needed one.
After an exhausting birthday afternoon of babysitting-talk with my shiny new plasticky-smelling Jill doll, bedtime crept up. The lights went out. And there sat Jill in her rocking chair in the corner, staring out with icy, keen eyes. She spent the rest of the evening facing the wall; I can say so with absolute certainty because I remained on watch until morning. By the end of the week, she had been permanently relocated to the front porch. I never truly forgave her, and I hope this film serves to teach the ugly truth about animated toys. That’s what Seth MacFarlane is known for, right? The educational value of his work?
I’m sorry, Kristina, but until recently I always got Seth MacFarlane mixed up with Todd McFarlane, so I’m the last person to ask what he’s known for. I’ve always thought, “How can the Family Guy guy also create all those cool action figures? And didn’t he do Spawn? Damn, that guy is prolific.”
I’d love to say that my MacFarlane/McFarlane mix-up is the only embarrassing thing I’ll reveal here, but oh no, there’s more that comes to mind when thinking about Ted.
So, my wife and I have this cute, stuffed elephant that we liberated one night from the depths of a wire basket at Dave & Busters. His name is Coz. The other night, I grabbed Coz as I went to sleep. Then, without thinking, I adjusted his trunk so he could, you know, breath, while his 39-year-old owner had him in a cuddle clutch.
This being said, you’d think I’d be really excited about Ted, right? Absolutely not! Does a parent of a prepubescent girl want to go watch a movie in which prepubescent girls talk dirty, smoke weed and hump the air at a grocery store? No, they don’t. And I don’t want to think about Coz getting into fights, telling lame jokes and hanging out with strippers. Actually, the only reason I fret about the strippers is because they don’t come free, and who do you think is going to have to pay for them at the end of the night? Me, that’s who. Everyone knows that stuffed animals don’t have any money.
Stuffed animals don’t have money, no, but—and I don’t know a lot about strippers, but I do know this—cash isn’t the only currency out there. I’m not sure what Coz has got that a stripper would accept as payment, though. Can you get high off of polyester stuffing? Of course, as a 39-year-old man with stuffed animals to his name, I’m sure you’re tired of people asking you that.
I’ve never tried to get high off polyester stuffing, but that’s only because I never thought to try it when I was younger. I was too busy downing bottles of Robitussin, taking no-doze pills and funneling bottles of Boone’s Farm. I was obviously a very sophisticated drug user. Maybe that’s the reason I still have a stuffed animals and say hello to my garden gnome, who I named Gilbert.
But, despite my sordid past, I still have enough brain cells to know that Ted is going to be a lame movie filled with lame jokes. I’ll tell you what would be a better movie; a buddy/heist film with Jill and Coz. (Please note that my use of “film” was intentional. Coz would be an actor, not a movie star. There’s a big difference.)