J: Is Robert Downey Jr. going to wear that Black Sabbath shirt through the whole movie? Because if having a heart problem and wearing T-shirts with metal bands from the 70’s on them is all it takes, the Avengers might want to recruit my stepdad. I noticed that Iron Man seems really pleased to have The Hulk on the Avengers team. I don’t think anybody has been this proud to have a guy in jean shorts by his side since George Michael started Wham!.
N: At the rate they’re rebooting the series, I’ll be surprised if your stepdad isn’t recruited to play Iron Man inside of eight months. We’re already on Hulk the Third. I’m enchanted, though, by the idea of Mark Ruffalo playing a gentler, more twee Hulk. One with silly, charming quirks. Like he carries a dog-eared copy of Kate Chopin’s The Awakening around in his back pocket and is obsessed with fro-yo trends. I will petition in the inevitable 2014 reboot that they keep him, and add Zooey Deschanel as Black Widow. This picture is missing a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (TM). Imagine all of the great action scenes that take place in independent book stores! I also think that Feist deserves a shot at the theme song.
J: Actually, I bet The Hulk is a Kindle man. That way, when he inevitably smashes his electronic reading devices, his Amazon book purchases are still waiting for him in the cloud. Hulk finally read Adventure of Kavalier & Clay. Hulk find balance between life and spirituality, read Eat, Pray, Love. Hulk tell everyone he enjoy The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, but not actually finish. By the way, I hate to break it you, but Feist and Zooey Deschanel are just two heads on the same many-headed hydra, waiting to be defeated by some modern day Heracles, most likely with a sword made of oversized headphones and concert ticket stubs, and a shield made of tealight candles.
N: Fine. They can Play Black Widow(s). Together. Their superpower is a cacophony of atonal honking noises whose particular frequency paralyzes cardigan-clad young men with heartsickness: “Hulk feel needy. Hulk take Black Widow to Ikea and her and Hulk lie in display homes and pretend they live there. Hulk hope Two-headed Hipster Black Widow no leave Hulk. Hulk’s subscription to Amazon Prime just run out.” And just when they’ve submitted to her Siren’s song, BAM! she’s gone, because she is wild, and wild things must be free to…fingerpaint, or something. Something adorable. And quirky. And life-affirming.
J: Taking a widow, black or otherwise, to IKEA is actually one of the least life affirming activities one can undertake, aside from actually trying to find your way out of an IKEA. Widows, by definition, are death affirming. No offense, widows. It’s not your fault. Unless… Did you murder your husband? Is that why we’re at IKEA? For a self-assembly coffin? One that’s “perfect for shallow graves”, as you put it, making air quotes with your fingers? For shame, widows.
Now I’m getting cold feet about moving to Florida with you to live on your alligator farm. Not as cold as your husband’s feet, though. Unless his feet are in a particularly warm alligator’s belly. How warm do alligators’ stomachs get? Trust me when I tell you, widows, that I don’t want to find out.
What I’m getting at is, don’t poison my IKEA meatballs for insurance money. If I must die surrounded by Swedish furniture, I’d rather it be in the living room of A-ha’s lead singer.
N: Alligators don’t kill people. People who own Alligator Farms kill people. The alligator is just one of many methods of getting rid of a body in South Florida. Other methods include: Burying in sand, leaving body on top of sand for gulls, Space Mountain, or renting out beach house and having wild party around body.
Which reminds me: I’m remaking Weekend at Bernie’s 2, and recasting Jonathan Silverman with Mark Ruffalo, because I don’t think that character was sensitive enough the first go-round. Andrew McCarthy can stay. Man, will his star ever stop rising? Don’t answer. It won’t.