Jack The Giant Killer

Jack The Giant Killer

In which Jason is joined by Atlanta writer and performer Johnny Drago for a review of the trailer for Jack The Giant Killer.

J: Hi, Johnny. Welcome to this review of the trailer for Jack the Giant Killer. Fair warning to you: if you see a man in the theater parking lot in a makeshift booth with a hand-lettered sign that reads “Jack the Giant Killer,” please do not purchase any tickets from him. He is offering a very different type of entertainment. You see, he has nicknamed his penis “the Giant Killer.”

Though it would be much appreciated if you could make a big show of reaching into your pocket as though you are about to buy a ticket, then pretend you forgot your wallet and act all disappointed. It is not easy being a small business owner, and he gets very emotional about his work. Just because he has the tender genitals of a pervert doesn’t mean he can’t have the tender heart of a poet. This isn’t just about the sex for him. He wants to make a connection with another human being! People have met on Adult Friend Finder and fallen in love, right? Sometimes an anonymous handjob in a theater parking lot can turn into a passionately nonymous’ love affair.

And that’s one to grow on. Which is what he says every morning, to his “Giant Killer.”

JD: Thanks for having me, Jason. And I’m sorry you got scammed by that guy’s wang. I watched this trailer at work with the sound turned down, and I read your opening paragraph with the monitor off, so naturally, I have lots to say about both.

This is one of those instances when I can’t help but feel that the gay community is being directly pandered to by the Hollywood marketing machine and, as usual, I’m simultaneously horrified and flattered. Jack the Giant Killer, with its themes of handcrafted, artisan roof thatchery, urban-rusticana guerrilla gardening techniques, and some sort of empress in some sort of gown, promises to be a gay fantasia Kushner himself couldn’t ruin. Even the film’s title is playfully suggestive of a beloved series of seminal classics of the queer cinema, including Bang the Giant KillerPerform Oral Sex Behind a K-Mart on the Giant Killer, and Felch the Giant Killer: Revenge of the Creampie Cuties. Unfortunately, in the role of Jack, they’ve chosen to cast a newly-hatched baby bird with neither the charisma nor lower jawbone needed to carry this trailer alone, much less a feature film, and I find myself coming up empty-handed again and again in the schoolgirl crush department. Sorry Hollywood, but it looks like you should’ve called this one Jack the Boner Killer.

Also, is it just me, or is that the youngest son from Home Improvement? The one with the bowliest haircut?

J: Johnny, you’ll be happy to know Perform Oral Sex Behind a K-Mart on the Giant Killer has been added to the Criterion Collection. I have to confess, I’ve also been directly pandering to the gay community, mainly by exuding a raw, almost confrontational masculinity. I’m even growing a Robin-Williams-in-Jumanji style beard. Unfortunately, and completely against my will, I’ve also been growing a set of Robin-Williams-in-Mrs. Doubtfire style breasts. In addition to this, I’ve been trying to trick Sally Field into thinking I’m a kindly old woman. Sally Field the Waffle House manager, not the famous actress. I will go to any length to get that Senior Discount!

Not sure why those lengths involve me dressing like a lady. Instincts, I guess. A finely honed set of instincts. It’s written in our genetic code to swap genders to save a few nickels on eggs and hash browns. It’s in our DNA! All you have to do is reach inside yourself to access it. But don’t physically reach inside yourself, because then you’ll be re-enacting Perform Oral Sex Behind a K-Mart on the Giant Killer, and there’s no way you’ll be able to top Sally Field’s critically acclaimed performance (Again, the Waffle House manager. But also Sally Field the famous actress. They were both in the movie. But Sally Field the actress’s performance was critically panned).

JD: Let’s get one thing straight. I hate Robin Williams with a passion that is overwhelming and real. Sally Field I could take or leave. Other Sally Field needs to freshen up my coffee, stat.

Okay, I just re-watched this trailer, full volume, full screen, and I have a few more things to point out: This movie actually looks kinda good, right? (Spoiler alert, I’m a complete sucker for movies in general, and movie trailers in particular.) Did you know he has to rescue a princess in this thing?! And they send an expedition party up the beanstalk, and there’s a whole bunch of scary giants up there!! Oh, and also, in the meantime, I Wikipoedia’ed the actor who plays Jack, and it’s not the kid from Home Improvement, it’s the kid from About a Boy. Whatever, Toni Collette was in that movie, and she’s alright, I guess. She’s no Patricia Richardson.

I should also mention that it comes as no great surprise, Jason Mallory, to hear how well-versed you are in the world of hardcore man-on-man pornography. No surprise at all. As for your crossdressing tendencies and ability to “reach inside yourself,” well, I’d be happy to discuss that with you at length in a more private setting, over a handful of beans. Now, what was that you were saying you wanted done to your Giant Killer?

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