The Lucky One

The Lucky One

In which Jason reviews the trailer for The Lucky One, a movie about a Marine who searches for the woman he believes was his good luck charm during the war.

Wow. Zac Efron is so romantic! Especially when he tells Taylor Schilling she should be kissed “every day, every hour and every minute.” That’s quite a feat. And a good way to tell time, if your watch or phone is broken. “It’s half past 1200 Zac Efron kisses, time to take my medication.” Not sure why Taylor Schilling needs medication in this scenario. Maybe it’s just a placebo. Sugar pills. She’s probably in the control group of some medical experiment. Because she can’t control her love for Zac Efron.

I’d like to see a sequel in which Zac Efron builds a kissing machine to make his dream of kissing Taylor Schilling once a day/hour/minute a reality. And for the latest advances in kissing technology, he’ll need to consult carnival workers. Carnies, of course, being unable to man their own kissing booths. Because if a carnie is kissed more than four times an hour, the devil appears. Then he’s going to want to play the fiddle, and challenge people to fiddle contests, and the next thing you know The Charlie Daniels Band is eating all the fried dough and powdered sugar out of the back of your Elephant Ears booth. So carnies rely on robotics to make sure their customers are satisfactorily kissed.

Like any other machine made of moving parts, the carnie kissing robots (or CKRs) require lubrication. Fortunately, they produce their own lip balm. Unfortunately, they need your blood to do so. Don’t freak out, they don’t need all your blood. You might want to have some cookies and orange juice ready, though. And a living will. Please stop freaking out. It’s a very simple process. The CKRs hold out their battered fedoras, and you just put a little blood inside. No big deal. Their blood-into-lip-balm system was salvaged from dismantled Blood Bank Hobo Robots, which are robots programmed to roll around the halls of hospitals and blood banks panhandling for blood. And like most panhandlers, they get aggressive if you don’t give them what they want.

It is also recommended that users of CKRs check their units regularly for Charlie Daniels, as he will often build a nest under the engine, and powdered sugar from his beard will short out the motherboard.

Anyway, Zac Efron, I hope you got all that. And I wish you the best of luck, both with making sure all your blood isn’t converted to robotic lip balm, and with your outlandish kissing dreams. You truly are The Lucky One.

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