The Dark Knight Rises: Lurching Purposefully Through The Next Few Frames

The Dark Knight Rises: Lurching Purposefully Through The Next Few Frames

In which Jason is joined by Dan Nadolny for a review of the trailer for The Dark Knight Rises.

J: Who does Catwoman think she’s talking to when she tells Batman to “batten down the hatches”? I mean, he is Batman. It is integral to his nature to batten things. That’s the reason he became a crime-fighter in the first place, to batten fear into the hearts of criminals. Although, I’m willing to acknowledge that I may be a little murky on Catwoman’s use of the word “batten”. But I’m 100% certain that by hatches, she means the baby chickens that Bruce Wayne is hatching under a glow lamp in his study at Wayne Manor. Don’t worry, Catwoman, he’s already battened fear into their hearts, because even though they are CuteOverload.com-worthy baby chicks, they are also ruthless criminals.

D: She’s obviously talking with Batman, aka Hatch-Batter Extraordinaire, aka The Dark Knight. Although, I’m getting a few mixed messages here. We’re alerted right away by an official-looking, confident man that “this is Peacetime.” That’s good, especially since the ominous music indicated otherwise. But then Catwoman says there’s a storm coming! That’s bad, especially with the Mr. Sex-Mask- S&M-Gimp lurching purposefully through the next few frames. Ah, I’ll relax. This sequel is subtitled “The Dark Knight Rises.” That’s good! Who doesn’t love a redemption story? Oh wait…the tagline here is “The Legend Ends.” That’s bad. The whole ending thing. This batty bastard can’t catch a break.

J: Actually, that confident, official-looking man was alerting the viewer that “this is Pea’s Time.” He’s a lobbyist for the powerful Gotham Pea Industry! He represents all the peas. Snap peas, snow peas, green peas, english peas. Which is why they call him Sweet Pea (or Swee’Pea). He’s also Popeye’s son. Yes, he still wears the sailor hat and red bunting. Except when he’s representing “Big Pea” at Gotham’s City Hall. But as soon as he gets home, the tie and sensible slacks come off, and the adult-sized baby jumper with white trim comes out. Then he crawls around on his kitchen floor and eats a can of peas to wind down.

After that, he drinks a gallon of water and “peas” himself, because that’s the only way he can achieve orgasm.

D: With all this pea talk, I think you just secured the role of The Joker in Batman XII: The Dark Knight Part Deux – Resurrection Protocol. It’s in pre-production in Bucharest on a minimal budget of $700 million. Gary Oldman will reprise his role not as Lt. Jim Gordon, but as Sirius Black. Yes, in lieu of original variants to the classic Batman tale, Warner Brothers have gone “rogue” with a hybridization of the Caped Crusader and a sexually-developing group of teenagers who practice wizardry. Rumor has it that Catwoman and Hermione engage in a steamy on-screen tongue-fight before the fate of Gotham is decided by a blistering Quidditch match played entirely on flying Batpods.

J: Tongue-fighting being the edgier, more brutal cousin to the noble sport of Tonsil Hockey. In addition to taking part in a sexy make-out session, the winner of a tongue-fight steals the loser tongue’s ability to taste both salty and sweet foods, leaving them only their ability to detect savoriness, or “umami.” The winning tongue is also granted 35% ownership of every word that the losing tongue has ever spoken, or will ever speak. So if you’ve shared a particularly passionate kiss with one of history’s greatest orators, such as Winston Churchill, William Faulkner, or Dane Cook, you may be owed a percentage of their estate, or at the very least, a chance to get to second base after all that french kissing.