I used to love playing with GI Joe action figures when I was a kid. By playing with them, I mean burning them in my family’s backyard grill, prompting my neighbors to continually ask, “Can you smell what the weird, fat kid down the street is cooking?”
Is it a coincidence that The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson, is in G.I. Joe: Retaliation, or did one of my neighbors become a casting agent and include him in the film as a nod to my childhood transgressions? I’d love to believe the latter, but my neighbors were a bunch of white trash heathens, so the closest any of them would have come to working on the film is keeping the Key Grip and the Gaffer supplied with Meth.
Either way, fans of nine-year-old Internet memes know EXACTLY what Dwayne Johnson will be cooking in this movie. SPOILER ALERT: Pork Chop Sandwiches.
Speaking of barbecued GI Joe’s…if I could go back in time and charbroil one, it would have to be the fucking useless Deep Six, a deep sea diver and demolitions expert. Remember how if you bent a GI Joein half you could see that little metal hook and the rubber band holding his legs to his torso? This, along with articulated arm and leg joints, made all GI Joes able to kick and punch like no other 3 3/4″ scale action figure. Well, Deep Six didn’t have any of that shit.
This motherfucker was basically solid plastic and only his arms moved…but only at the shoulder! How fucking useless is that? He can’t run. He can’t jump. All he can do is bob up and down in the water on his stomach because he got shot in the back of the head from friendly fire because he was getting in the way of the mission. “Hey guys, before we head off to kick some Cobra Command ass, can someone slowly lower me into the nearest body of water? Please make sure my air pump doesn’t get disconnected this time.” Seriously, fuck that guy. Granted, he did come with a pretty cool submarine. But I always had Deep Six killed off by a freak explosion so Crazy Legs, a baller-ass assault trooper, got to pilot the submarine. Which, by the way, always turned into a plane once tard-legs was out of the picture.
So, where was I? Oh yeah, The Rock looks like a head from Easter Island and I am not going to see this movie.
Maybe I’m just a sucker for muscle-bound guys with shaved chests and consummate command of their eyebrows, but I like The Rock. I may not want to watch his movies, but I think he’s pretty damn charming. I should, however, mention that I refuse to call him Dwayne Johnson. He was, and always will be, The Rock, just like Ricky Schroder will always be Ricky Schroder, no matter how many times he asks to be called Rick. You’re Ricky, you bastard! I still hold a grudge against Ricky for that snot-nosed little prick of a character he played in Silver Spoons; always riding around the house on his train, playing all his cool arcade games, hanging out with pre-Carlton-dancing Alfonso Ribeiro, and doing horrible things like this. [Ed. Note: I actually enjoyed that video. But Ricky Schroder is no Sam Rockwell.] I don’t care if he changed his name as he struggled to be known as a serious actor, as his Wikipedia bio seems to suggest. Hell, I’d like to be thought of as a serious writer, but I’m not going to ask my friends to start calling me Anthony instead of Tony.
Oh, wait. Shit. Upon further wasting of my time going through his Wikipedia page, I see that he changed his name BACK to Rick in 2007, saying that the original name change was prompted by his agent and was a “mistake.” Well, you don’t fucking say. Also, nice job throwing your agent under the bus, pal. Is this the same agent that got you a job as “Guest Timekeeper” in Wrestlemania 2? Ah, all of a sudden my Ricky Rant doesn’t seem so out of place, does it? Who knew that the bastard shared a kinship with The Rock? Sometimes shit just works out, doesn’t it? That, by the way, sounds like a line you may hear in G.I. Joe: Retaliation. I could totally hear Bruce Willis saying something like that while saving Cobra Commander from being ass-raped by a couple of rednecks.
BRUCE WILLIS: Sometimes shit just works out, doesn’t it?
COBRA COMMANDER: Yeah, it do.
BRUCE WILLIS: So, we cool?
COBRA COMMANDER: Yeah, we cool.
Okay, okay, my turn:
FABIENNE: Who’s submarine eez dis?
BRUCE WILLIS: It’s a plane, baby.
FABIENNE: Who’s plane eez dis?
BRUCE WILLIS: Deep Six’s.
FABIENNE: Who’s Deep Six?
BRUCE WILLIS: SIx’s dead, baby. Six’s dead.
–Audience jumps to their feet, roars approval. Academy Award for best picture is immediately awarded for this scene alone.–
See what I did there? I made Deep Six an ass-raper-redneck. You’re welcome. Actually, scratch that, he’s a DEAD, ass-raper-redneck (the best kind). Okay, now I can move on…
Speaking of Pulp Fiction, I think it’s about time for both Bruce Willis and The Rock to have a Tarantino spurred, Travolta-esque movie rebirth (minus Battlefield Earth and the masseur schlong touching of late). Hell, it’s about time for Channing Tatum to do something worth watching, so go ahead and throw his ass in there as well. Maybe the film is about a group of disbanded, super elite assassins that have to seek revenge for…. well, shit. Just have Tarantino direct the next one of these fucking GI Joe movies.
All that being said, the one thing that does stand out from this trailer is the multicolored ninja uniforms. I am a goddamned sucker for that shit and I actually might see this movie because of it. Remember American Ninja and how well the multicolored ninja uniforms worked for that classic? (Sidenote: Michael Dudikoff, where are you? The world needs you!). Gah, that shit was on point! Red ninjas! Blue ninjas! Yellow ninjas! Orange ninjas…ORANGE NINJAS! What the fuck is an orange ninja’s specialty? If I remember my Cruising hanky code, I think orange would fall somewhere between golden showers and toe sucking. Meh, I’m sure that skill comes in handy sometimes, right? If not, there’s always this guy.