SuperCapitalist

SuperCapitalist

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for SuperCapitalist.

BRYAN

Sooo… isn’t the point of a trailer to show a potential audience some of the premise of a movie? All I got from the trailer for “SuperCapitalist” was animated money, slo-mo dice rolling, a “Vision Quest” run across a bridge, and yelling into cell phones with some dramatic music to tie it all together. Oh, and fire-money, lots of fire-money. Call me crazy, but I don’t think a so-called “SuperCapitalist” would be caught dead running on a public, taxpayer-paved street, let alone set fire to a briefcase full of cash. Unless, of course, the dude was about to light up 10,000 cigars. In which case, that wasn’t a briefcase full of cash; that was a briefcase full of baller-matches.

Getting back to “Vision Quest,” the producers of that great piece of film knew how to make a trailer. They even put pedantic voice-over throughout it, just in case the audience would normally be confused by a coming of age drama set in the high stakes world of high school wrestling. If I’m going to roll the slo-mo dice on only one bridge runner, you bet your fire-money it’s going to be Louden Swain (played by the Ryan Gosling of the 1980’s, Matthew Modine).

TONY
Thanks for bringing up “Vision Quest” you asshole. Now I’m going to spend the rest of my night singing “Crazy For You”, the Madonna song from the movie’s soundtrack. “You’ll feel it in my kiss. I’m crazy for you.” Whatevs, Madonna. Maybe you were a good kisser back in the day, but nowadays you’re too busy bitching about Lady Gaga to kiss with any passion. Gaga, on the other hand—I bet her kisses are full of crazyforyouness.

Great. Now I’m daydreaming about going on a date with Lady Gaga to see “SuperCapitalist”. I’m thinking about feeding her handfuls of Milk Duds and popcorn. I’m thinking about getting angry with her for texting in the theater, then going to her place for make-up sex. I’m also thinking that I should not always share my fantasies.

BRYAN
I’m also thinking that if the Lady Gaga of your fantasies texts during movies, you should prolly dump her ass. Or, just fantasize a new fantasy of a Lady Gaga that doesn’t text in movies. Then you can have sex with that Lady Gaga, then have make-up sex with the texting Lady Gaga after you have a fight because she’s jealous that you’re spending all your time with no-text Lady Gaga. You can keep going, of course. It’s your own sexy version of “Inception,” what with the different levels and all. Maybe you’ll go far enough down the rabbit hole you get stuck down there and grow into an old man. And there’ll be all these Lady Gaga’s around, from the really old Lady Gaga who texts all the time up to the brand-new, 22-year-old Lady Gaga that loves older dudes.

TONY
I had a simple fantasy and you had to go and muck it up by throwing in some fancy Christopher Nolan shit. Thanks a lot.

But, you did point out something sad about me; I don’t know how to fantasize properly. Why would my fantasy Gaga be texting during the movies? Wouldn’t she just be giggling because I pulled the penis-through-the-bottom-of-the-popcorn prank? Why do I always have to be so realistic? Once I had a fantasy about getting a blowjob from Sigourney Weaver while speeding down the Interstate in a convertible. Then, guess what? I got a speeding ticket! My own damn fantasy and I’m getting pulled over by the po-po. I think I’m going to have to bring this up with my therapist; the one who, in my fantasy, initially thinks I’m a genius, but then realizes it was a misdiagnosis.

BRYAN
Getting some highway-head and getting a speeding ticket isn’t too bad. Knowing how your fantasies work now though, I’m surprised it didn’t end like this. Also, has anyone ever actually performed the penis-through-the-bottom-of-the-popcorn-bucket prank? Or is that some kind urban legend perpetuated by the media like razor blades in candy apples? And why is that the only trick anyone knows to get their girlfriend to touch their penis in a theater? I haven’t quite figured out all the details, but my 21st century version of the penis-through-the-bottom-of-the-popcorn-bucket prank goes something like: Smartphone+Penis+Pinterest=penis touching… Bitches love Pinterest. But then again, who wants to be with some chick that’s always on her phone during a movie?

TONY
Ah, the chauvinist in you finally emerges. To all the ladies reading this, I must apologize for my friend Bryan. I would never refer to you as bitches. Instead, I’d be delighted to follow you on Pinterest. I can’t wait to re-pin all your recipes for exotic cocktails and DIY household tips. And, if you’d like to go to the movies with me, I’ll calm your fears by letting you hold the popcorn. But I’m holding onto your phone.