My first reaction when watching the trailer for ‘Beyond The Black Rainbow’ was, “Duuuude, I totally want to get stoned and go see this movie!”
Immediately after saying it, I realized there were many things wrong with my statement.
1) I can’t really get high any more. Actually, let me clarify. I CAN still get high, and I’d love to, sure, but while one time may be fun, the next time may start out with me watching ‘Night of the Comet’ on Netflix Streaming, then, without warning, turn into a battle with the monster called Paranoid Introspection. Unfortunately, I usually lose those battles.
2) I turn 40 this year. Saying, “Duuuude, I totally want to get stoned and (insert activity here)” sounds fucking ridiculous; especially since I’m lucky if I can stay awake past 10PM on a Friday night. So, if I do go see ‘Beyond The Black Rainbow’ stoned, I’ll be going to a matinee. Then, I’ll have the rest of the afternoon to hate myself and convince myself that everyone else hates me too.
3) I’m pretty sure no one says, “get stoned” anymore.
I’m always using dated references like “get stoned”, which easily give away my age. Just the other day there was a girl at work who was wearing extraordinarily large hoop earrings. I decided this was a perfect time to say, “Feeling a little Jodi Watley today, are we?” The puzzled look on her face let me know that I might as well have asked her the definition of “Sesquipedalian.”
For the record, the definition of ” Sesquipedalian ” is “given to or characterized by the use of long words” and the last time Jodi Watley had a hit song was 1988, which is right around the time my coworker was born. Oh, and also for the record, and for those of you who also too young to remember, or just don’t give a shit; Jody Watley’s fashion statement was her large hoop earrings. Think, Michael Jackson’s sequined glove or ZZ Top’s beards. Dammit! There I go again. On my own. Traveling down the only dated-pop-culture-references road I’ve ever known.
Maybe I should visit the Arboria Institute featured in ‘Beyond The Black Rainbow’, and see if they can make good on their promise of guiding someone to a “new, better, happier you”. Although, it doesn’t seem like they know much about happiness at that institute. How happy can you be when you have a hot woman captive at your place of business, yet she’s so drugged up that she’s not even impressed by your turtleneck sweater or your loud-ass pen? If she’s not impressed by your loud-ass pen, you’re certainly not going to win her over with pick up lines like, “How are you feeling? You look tired today. Have you had any headaches?”
“Well, doc, now that you mention it, I do have a headache. Maybe it’s because you won’t stop banging that fucking pen. Seriously, could you stop?”
Speaking of the doctor’s pen, where can I get one of those? I’d love to have a pen like that. Every time someone at work said something stupid in a meeting I would just bang it against the table repeatedly and give them an icy stare. Sure, I do that now, but it doesn’t work as well without the amplification.
I’ve not been this excited about a pen since watching Bill Cosby draw with the Mortimer Pen on ‘Picture Pages’. Yes, I know, I know, another dated pop culture reference. But what could I do? While I’d loved to have used a current pop culture reference, I’ve never seen Lady Gaga, Ryan Gosling or John Hamm using an impressive writing instrument.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take some ludes and “Let the new age of enlightenment begin.”