J: Hi Soren. Welcome to this review of Snow White and the Huntsman. From the looks of it, the quickest route to being fairest of all is soaking in a bathtub full of milk. Of course, some of us have always known that prolonged milk-on-skin contact will result in excessive fairness, both the physical and moral kind. Which is why progressive courtrooms across the country have installed mandatory milk-soaking tubs to ensure fairness in all jury trials. Whether members of the jury wear shower caps and utilize comically overlong back scrubbers is at the discretion of the presiding judge, who is usually a breastfeeding baby in a powdered wig.
Of course, here in Georgia we just brought our milk-soaking tubs up from the courthouse basement, where they were being utilized as emergency Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia storage bins. And now we keep our life-size cardboard cutouts of Boss Hogg in the same closet we keep our beer koozies and keychains featuring Izzy, the official mascot of the Atlanta 1996 Summer Olympics.
Incidentally, the original script for the 1957 version of 12 Angry Men called for the characters to deliver their lines from claw-foot bathtubs filled with milk, but this version was scrapped when the producers realized Don Knotts was still alive, and needed his claw feet for walking on.
S: See, this is exactly why striving for fairness gets a bad rap. In your rush to simplify the process of achieving fairness, you yourself have not been very fair. Bathing in milk isn’t the silver bullet everyone hopes it will be, becoming the fairest is hard goddamn work and I’m sick of people trying to cut corners. Yes, soaking in a bathtub of milk is important, but that doesn’t mean you can neglect stealing souls through young maidens’ mouths until their hair falls out. And you certainly can’t forget to eat the hearts of other ambitious fairness seekers. It makes me so mad that people don’t realize that fairness is a lifestyle choice. If you think eating human hearts is going to be fun every time, then you’re crazy. But you have to tough it out, making it as routine as brushing your teeth if you ever want to see any change when you look in your mirror/ reflective hooded guy friend.
Incidentally, I’m impressed at the mirror’s Minority Report levels of prescience. Snow White isn’t even fair yet, but at some indeterminate moment in the future, she will turn that shit on like a switch. It’s strange that a sentient being that can see into the future would use that power for gossip. Bickering over who’s going to be pretty a year from now seems arbitrary when you can predict things like world wars and electricity. Or maybe the mirror can only predict future fairness and beauty, but is blind to every other crucial step in humanity, in which case I no longer care about Snow White, all of my pity is reserved for that poor goddamn mirror.
J: Wait, what? You’re supposed to eat hearts and consult psychic mirrors to become the fairest of all? I’ve been eating mirrors and consulting hearts. And I couldn’t even afford regular hearts, I had to go with pig hearts. Surprisingly, the pig hearts were pretty good at figuring out who was the fairest of all. Unfortunately, they were only able to apply this power to pigs. So, if you’re looking for the hottest pig in the land (Hint: It’s Miss Piggy in a Princess Leia metal bikini), eat your heart out. Literally?
For my money, if you want to find the most attractive pig, you need to go check out what spiders have written in their webs above the pigs down at the county fair. Ever since Charlotte’s Web, pigs have used spider webs as a kind of Facebook/Craigslist dating service, relaying their status updates and personal ads via a collective of exhausted web-writing spiders!
Some of the more unsavory pigs have been using the spider webs as more of an Adult Friend Finder type of service. Just look for the pig in chaps underneath the web that reads “SPP (Single Pink Pig) seeks partner for BDSM and Choking”. Guess this would be in the P4P section of the county fair. And it would explain why a farmer in overalls stands next to the pig and warns you that some pigs will try to direct you to websites that contain malware. Good luck, cam-site endorsing pig.
Far be it from me to judge a pig’s sexual proclivities. Whatever you’re into is fine by me, pig. You Ashley Madison pigs should be ashamed of yourselves, though. Cheating on your pig wives! Come to think of it, are pigs monogamous to their wives? Do pigs respect the institution of marriage?
S: I think pigs respect marriage. Isn’t animal husbandry a thing that happens on farms? I’m no expert but I always assumed that was the union of two horses, or goats or whatever. Pigs wouldn’t be any different, in fact they probably adhere to a more old-fashioned concept of marriage than any other animal. They prefer the dominance of the husband and the subjugation of the wife. That would explain why we always call on their species when accusing someone of sexism and misogyny. You never hear the name “open-minded pig” being tossed around during a debate about gender roles. It’s sad really, pigs need to wake up and realize it’s 2012 already.
I guess I’m not surprised to hear that Miss Piggy is the fairest of all the pigs. They’re a species that bathe in their own excrement so really the only one that’s wearing a dress sort of wins by default. There was an entire episode of Muppet Babies where they reenacted Snow White and Miss Piggy was forced to play the evil queen. She made a few sincere attempts at murdering Skeeter who was cast as Snow White, but they left it ambiguous whether or not she really intended to eat Skeeter’s heart. It was a very tense episode. Meanwhile Nanny just napped through it all. She was a terrible nanny. I’m sure there are some parallels you could draw between the neglect Nanny shows all those babies, and the neglect the Queen showed Snow White as a child. I’m not going to do it, but I’m sure they’re there.
J:You’re right to condemn Nanny as a terrible caretaker. But who among us can shoulder the burden of responsibility for regular babies without craving a nap, much less Muppet Babies? The fact that there are Muppet Babies at all indicates they are the product of some reproductive process, that there was a conception and a birth. What act of lovemaking produced these felt infants? Or was it love at all? Probably not, since they were abandoned by their parents. Who is running around having all this casual sex and deserting the resulting Muppet offspring? Probably some horny teenage Muppets. Put a condom on, Muppets!
Except for you, Animal. You seem free of sexually transmitted diseases. Most drummers are, right? Anyway, in the words of Baby Animal, it is time to “Go bye-bye!” May your pigs be faithful to their wives, and may your Muppet Babies be placed in good foster homes, and never interfere with your carefree muppet sex.