In which Jason and comedian Tony Jenkins discuss the trailer for The Bourne Legacy.
J: I’ve only seen one of the Jason Bourne movies, and I fell asleep in the theater halfway through it. What I do know is that people are frequently chasing Jason Bourne and shooting at him. They should probably stop chasing him. He’s essentially The Gingerbread Man of amnesiac spies. The story of The Gingerbread Man is actually pretty crazy. He leaps out of an old woman’s oven, gets chased by some barnyard animals and then dies in the jaws of a fox. Is this what life is all about? You’re the world’s first sentient cookie, magically endowed with the powers of speech and reason, and everyone on the planet just wants to eat you. What if that talking cookie was the next cookie Dalai Lama? Then again, he did look pretty delicious. I guess this explains why some people call Ashton Kutcher “The Gingerbread Man”, because he also came to life in an old woman’s oven. Anyway, this movie doesn’t even have Jason Bourne in it.
T: It’s actually a good thing there’s no Jason Bourne, since Ed Norton is in this movie. Did you really want to see him reunited with his Rounders co-star Matt Damon? You can’t be tangled up in a web of international intrigue while you’re also trying to replenish your bankroll so you can buy into the Main Event at the World Series of Poker. Tournament poker is a game that requires great focus. You don’t want to be on the look out for snipers while also trying to keep your composure after some asshole spikes a two-outer on the river. Although, it would be nice to have a license to kill in that situation. Bourne has one of those, right? Or is James Bond the only one who has one? Was Bourne assasining without a license? Hey, wait, why is assasining not a word? This is bullshit.
J: Assasining is the process of raising your “ass sassiness” quotient. For example, writing “PINK” or “LIL’ FLIRT” on the butt of your terry cloth short shorts is going to result in a very sassy ass. On the other hand, writing “THE BOURNE LEGACY” on the butt of some sensible grey work slacks is going to result in a negative ass sassiness score.
T: Didn’t the first Bourne novel explain that Jason Bourne was recruited by the CIA after a mix up in Panama City, Florida when he was spotted poolside at the Ramada, wearing shorts with “DEAD DROP” written on the ass? Or am I thinking about the 10,000 word Bourne fan fiction I once read, The Bourne Lemon Party, and its sequel, Bournse.cx?
J: May I quote my favorite passage from the Orson Welles character in The Bourne Lemon Party? “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone. Also, we put upsetting photos of old men fellating each other on the internet for people to trick their friends into looking at. Plus The Bourne Legacy looks kind of boring. Good night, everybody, I’m Orson Welles!“