Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

In Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Ben Stiller’s kid gets the floor plans of the Smithsonian’s underground federal archives from the Smithsonian website. I went to the Smithsonian website and didn’t see any links for “detailed maps to a literal treasure vault of our most valuable and important works of art”. I did see a link to their twitter account. Maybe they tweet the map? Find us on Facebook! Also, find our most priceless items and wander in whenever you please because our lowest level night watchmen have key card access to our underground bunker of artifacts and paintings. PS… no cameras! We literally leave the Smithsonian abandoned and unobserved for the night so Ben Stiller can run around with Amelia Earhart. Seriously. Your grandmother’s AOL email account is more secure than the Smithsonian at night. A rare diamond wrapped in a silk bow thrown into a hole dug in the ground and filled with hobos and pawn shops is more secure than the Smithsonian after the sun goes down.

The kid gives Ben Stiller directions over the phone for a few minutes and is never seen in the movie again. He doesn’t even show up at the end when Ben Stiller goes back to his job as the night guard and lets the general public in after dark so they can mingle with the magical museum displays that come to life. Not only has he decided to unveil a verifiable water-to wine-walking-on-water-Harry-Potter-just scored-ten-points-for-Gryffindor miracle to any man, woman or child who walks in off the street, but he neglected to invite his OWN SON to the grand opening of this colossal mistake and possible herald of the end of civilization as we know it and the dawn of the age of magic. If that kid doesn’t end up a museum arsonist, then I just don’t know how museum arsonists are made in this world. Other than beating him with a Magritte painting and giving him a pack of matches and saying, “Hey kid why dontcha go burn down some museums or something? With these matches.” Who is going around trying to turn kids into museum arsonists?! Carmen Sandiego, I bet.

When Owen Wilson’s little cowboy was trapped in an hourglass and hourglass sand was falling on his head, why didn’t he get out of the way? He just stood there and let sand fall on his tiny cowboy hat. Maybe it felt good like being in a hot shower. He didn’t really react to it at all.

Director: Okay, Owen Wilson, now in this scene you’re about to drown in hourglass sand. Your life is in danger. Of ending. Because of the drowning in the hourglass sand.
Owen Wilson: Yeah, sure. I’m just going to act really chill about it and not wave my hands around or scream or cry into my tiny cowboy hat.
Director: Brilliant.

Later, Owen Wilson is rescued by his Roman soldier friend. A Roman soldier rescues a cowboy from an hourglass. Sounds like a powerful metaphor, right? Or a scene from a movie that’s king of all the other movies. Bum ba bum bum bum! All rise for the movie that’s king of all the other movies! Please turn off your cell phones and melt them into the basic metals and alloys with which they were made. Now fashion jewelry out of them and present the jewelry to the movie that’s king of all the other movies. Now shut up. The previews are on.