Few people outside of conspiracy-theory circles know this, but Justin Bieber was created by a certain pop singer in an attempt to bring about world peace. After all, who better to usher in an era of harmony than, well, Usher, known for his soulful, harmonious crooning? Just like Ozymandias at the end of Watchmen, Usher knew that to save the world, he had to give it a common enemy. And so, wielding the dark studio arts, he summoned from the blackest pits of Canada a sprightly young chipmunk of a lad.
“Here world,” Usher cackled. “Here is your naked Doctor Manhattan! Look upon my works, ye ladies, and despair!” Lil Jon laid an infectious groove over it, Ludacris contributed a guest rap, and “Naked Doctor Manhattan” went to the top of the charts. [Ed note: Meanwhile, the single “Girl, I’m Not Locked In Here With You, You’re Locked In Here With ME” by “Naked Rorschach” failed to sell a single copy.]
Alas, much like “Springtime for Hitler” in The Producers, the plan backfired. Instead of uniting the warring nations of the world, “Justin Bieber” became a hit, and the big guns had to be called in. When you want to manufacture a pop act to get under the world’s collective skin, there’s only one man to call—the man who unleashed Taylor Hicks upon an unsuspecting world: Simon Cowell.
And so One Direction was born, cobbled together from various X-Factor contestants. In short order, this jury-rigged boy band of fresh-faced ragamuffins rattled Justin Bieber’s carefully calibrated programming. Soon, the Auto-Tuned Antichrist began to exhibit unseemly behavior (even—gasp!— neglecting his pet monkey). By the time the Biebs was baptized in a chorus of boos at the Billboard Music Awards last weekend, he had become all but irrelevant, thanks to a plucky, ragged band of adorable urchins.
But while Simon Cowell’s precisely crafted algorithms and subroutines have saved the world from Justin Bieber, they have also failed in their primary goal of bringing about a Utopian age of peace and prosperity. Instead of causing the defense ministries, presidents and tribal warlords of the world to put aside their differences, One Direction has caused the lion to lie down with the lamb, both of them spent in their adulation of these apple-cheeked automatons. [Ed note: Wait, lions and lambs have sex to One Direction? Haven’t they seen the video for Ciara’s “Body Party”?! The rapper Future tells Ciara’s fortune in it, just like Zoltar in the movie Big, except I don’t recall Tom Hanks stripping for Zoltar afterwards. Maybe in the deleted scenes?]
They’re just so darn cute, these heavily accented moppets, what with their wacky hijinks, like piling tea cups atop one another’s heads, creating enthusiastically forgettable pop songs, selling out gargantuan sports stadiums filled with screaming girls who are mostly far too young for them, and dating Taylor Swift. Those little rascals!
Watching this trailer, their wide grins and general aw-shucks demeanor are irresistible. Sitting through a whole movie? Fuhgeddaboutit. There’s nothing to be done. We must all bow down and submit to our new post-adolescent overlords. As soon as we know their names, or can identify one of their songs.
Resistance is futile.
In theaters August 30th.