Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides – Trailer

The barrel budget on this movie must be through the roof. The President of Disney is probably up all night, surrounded by bills from different barrel companies marked PAST DUE. “Jesus Christ, these barrels. Didn’t pirates ever go anywhere without a thousand barrels on their ship?” he mutters to himself. I guess if he goes broke from barrel costs he can at least wear a barrel instead of clothes.

Looks like Captain Jack Sparrow is still wearing eyeliner that doesn’t run or smear when he gets it wet. He should look like a bleary eyed raccoon escort with all the moisture and water he gets into. Plus fire and swords can’t be good for that effeminate fop pirate look, either. Eyeliner would have been worse about smearing back then, not better, right?

Guess it was only a matter of time before mermaids came into the picture. These mermaids look mean and sexy and pouty, like models that can breathe saltwater. I wonder if they have little mermaid iPhones they can use to take photos of themselves in their mermaid mirrors to upload to the mermaid internet. No way are you going to date these mermaids. They live in the water and they’re pretty, get out of here dumb pirates you don’t even have a cool Tumblr.

Hey, Ian McShane as Blackbeard! My grandmother gave me a book about Bluebeard once, who is one step removed from Blackbeard in the world of color-coded pirate beard names. As it turns out, Bluebeard murdered all his wives. They even made the color of the paperback blueish to match his beard and the watery grave to which he sent the heads of his wives. I guess the book must have taken some liberties with the story of Bluebeard because I went to Wikipedia and it doesn’t seem like he got involved with the sea at all.

Ian McShane was great in Deadwood, and so was Timothy Olyphant. I think if they ever remake Stephen King’s The Stand they should cast Timothy Olyphant as Stu Redman and Nathan Fillion as Randall Flagg. Anyway, Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides doesn’t look any better or worse than the other Pirates of the Caribbean movies. One time I tried to watch them all in a row during a USA Network marathon and got sick of the beach even though I hadn’t been to the beach in a year.

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