Review, Sugar Babies Candy

Sugar Babies are little pieces of caramel candy in red and yellow wrappers that live in the vending machine on the second floor of my office building. They stick to your teeth if you chew them, but if you just hold them in your mouth like a patient dog, they dissolve into grainy sweetness, like you’d just stuffed sand into your mouth and decided to hold it in your mouth for a while. I bet if you stood on the beach and tried to talk to a mermaid, you’d have to hold sand in your mouth to speak their language. Maybe you’d have to mix some seawater in there, too.
Sugar Babies have a candy cousin (father?) called Sugar Daddies, which are big slabs of caramel on a stick if I remember correctly. They should write, “nobody expects you to eat a mountain” on Sugar Daddy wrappers.
If I was a really rich guy and I had a bunch of girlfriends who didn’t work, I bet it would be funny to give them all Sugar Daddy candies. Like, they’d pretend to be offended for a minute but then we’d laugh and laugh and then I’d give them their real gifts, lavish expensive presents, and we’d go to the beach and put sand in our mouths and try to talk to mermaids but later over dinner I’d tell them no, you have to mix saltwater in there, and then I’d pay for everyone’s meal.

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