Reviews. 08.19.07

Making A Bed While A Cat Tries To Burrow Under The Covers.
Just fine if you don’t know the first thing about making the bed in the first place. Put two pillows on the headboard to distract from the fact that the edges of the sheets are so uneven they’d make a high school shop teacher turn ghostly pale, then explode into a cloud of wood shavings. Cats burrow because they are trying to get underground, so they can have tea with the devil.

On the way into the theater I gave my girlfriend five dollars for a Diet Coke, but then we had to rush into the theater so she never spent it. After the movie was over, I made a joke about how she’d scammed me out of five dollars, and she gave it back to me. Secretly, I wished she’d held onto it, in keeping with my secret delight that she’s always skirting important laws, like the traffic and music downloading ones.

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix, The Video Game, On Wii.
It’s like some Renaissance era inventor thought up a machine to bore the living shit out of someone, then invented an eternal life potion to spend centuries perfecting it. In the course of the hours I spent playing it, I helped Fred and George move some boxes, I ran my ass all over Hogwarts looking for some gargoyles for some kid’s class project, I repaired some statues, and I fixed up a trophy room. Alternate title I already used in a joke to my friends: Hogwarts: The Chores Edition

An Overall State Of Shabbiness.
Some shirts just want to naturally wrinkle, run them through the dryer and they’ll spin there, conspirators of fabric, holding sleeves and agreeing to never be smooth. Some beards just need to be cut severely, then left alone for three weeks, then cut again, over and over again like the patterns at the edge of your perception, the song you hear three times in one day, the coincidences you can’t shake.