Riddick – Rule The Dark: Vin Diesel Has Also Vowed Not To Achieve Buddhahood Until All Cars Are Fast And Furious

Riddick – Rule The Dark: Vin Diesel Has Also Vowed Not To Achieve Buddhahood Until All Cars Are Fast And Furious

Boy, that Riddick gets into a lot of scrapes, doesn’t he? I almost got into a fight myself the other day.

A guy in an American Apparel tank top and lime green sunglasses yelled, “You can’t park for shit!” at me from his car, then sped off in a cowardly (yet stylish) fashion. How threatening could I have looked? I was holding toilet paper from CVS and an iPad charger I was returning to Verizon. Stand and fight me, American Apparel guy! I will crush your cool shades beneath my Cottonelle!

He was right, though. I can’t park for shit. My car was all catty-cornered and my trunk was hanging out into the street. In my defense, I was mad and distracted because a guy at Verizon sold me the wrong charger, so I had to make a second trip to return it.

While I was standing in line to exchange it, I noticed the the man on the Verizon “Don’t Text and Drive” poster in the lobby who was about to run over a toddler on her bike while texting “LOL” had full bars on his carrier-nonspecific Android-ish phone.

There’s a relatively unknown bathroom at work on the third floor of my office that I call “Siddhartha” because of the level of secret-garden-esque contemplative silence I find there, and I have to wave my iPhone around in the stall to get even one bar.

Meanwhile, this vehicular manslaughterist enjoys the full range of his unspecified carrier’s cellular service! I guess cellphone companies are duty bound to provide full coverage to even the most criminally negligent among us. But shouldn’t I also get great reception in the closest place to Nirvana I know of here on Earth?

I wonder how I would have felt if the person about to get run over on the poster had been Lime Green Sunglasses guy. Like, right in the middle of telling someone they can’t park for shit.

I guess that isn’t very Siddhartha of me. LGS was only telling me what was true, I was the one who didn’t want to hear it. He’s like a modern-day Ksitigarbha!

Ksitigarbha is a Buddhist monk who vowed not to achieve Buddhahood until all hells are emptied. He travels to Hell to teach and relieve beings of their suffering. Presumably by yelling, “You can’t get enlightened for shit!”

Looks like Riddick will also be relieving beings of their suffering—by chopping them up with a sword. Anyway, now that it’s on the internet, everyone knows about my Narnia bathroom. Don’t go looking for bodhisattvas in my office building! And don’t text and drive, dummies.

In theaters September 6.

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When I said maybe we could go to a museum in addition to shooting guns, she said, "New York has a museum on every corner. Fuck museums!"