RIPD: Ryan Reynolds Will Still Eat A Sugar Cube Right Out Of Your Hand, Though

RIPD: Ryan Reynolds Will Still Eat A Sugar Cube Right Out Of Your Hand, Though

ripddepartment1Jeff Bridges pushes Ryan Reynolds off a tall building, then rides him like a wild horse in mid-air! He waves his hat around like a proper cowboy and everything. He looks like one of the mice in The Rescuers riding that big bird around.

Ryan Reynolds does not like it. He’s a person, not a beast of burden! He should let Jeff Bridges know how he feels by posting a YouTube video of “Beast of Burden” on Jeff Bridges’ Facebook wall. And then Jeff Bridges could comment, “You got rode hard and put away wet!” all dismissive of Ryan Reynolds’ feelings.

Do undead policeman who hunt undead fugitives even have Facebook pages? What kind of social media do we have in the afterlife? I want to know where I’ll be uploading my pictures of food after I click “Like” on the great YouTube video in the sky. Where do I post my selfies after I’m gone?

The other day I clicked a Soundcloud link on Facebook which I thought was a leaked Daft Punk song, but it turned out to be a rickroll. Then Soundcloud shared that link to all my friends without asking me, with a shitty little “Jason Mallory played a sound on Soundcloud!” note attached. The only way I found out was people clicked “Like” on it.

Soundcloud, you fucking snitch. If I could shiv you between your ribs, I would. But I can’t, because you’re a music sharing service and don’t have a corporeal form.

Is that what’s in store for me when I’m dead, me getting tricked on the Internet and everybody up in heaven liking it? I guess that’s still better than getting ridden hard by Jeff Bridges and put away wet. Put me away dry, Jeff Bridges!

In theaters June 28.