It’s the year 2154, fish aren’t frying in the kitchen, and beans aren’t burning on the grill. Because the Earth is ruined. Looks like the super wealthy are finally getting a piece of the pie, though. They’ve moved on up, to the Elysium side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky, leaving the rest of humanity to rot. See you later, poor people! Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya. Come to think of it, who put the Good Lord in charge of splitting butts?
Is it just a hobby for him? Does he split everybody himself, or does he have help from the angels? I’m sure we’d all like it if the Good Lord personally split each and every one of us, but I don’t mind if a regular angel made my butt crack. I get compliments on my butt all the time. Come see for yourself! If you don’t think I have a great butt, take it up with the Lord.
How exactly does the Good Lord do the splitting? Is it like a shoehorn situation? He can probably just split millions of butts at once, like Moses parting the Red Sea. Maybe butt cracks are like serial numbers, to identify us as creatures with souls. If it’s got a butt, it’s got a soul. I’m not saying that people with flat butts don’t have a soul. I’m just saying it’s easier to twerk through the eye of a needle, than for someone without a butt to enter the kingdom of God.
Is the word “twerk” collapsing under the weight of its own usage? I see it used everywhere now. Bruce Lee once said of his style-without-style form of martial arts, “Jeet Kune Do is just a name used, a boat to get one across, and once across it is to be discarded and not to be carried on one’s back.” Is “twerk” the boat to get me across, or is it the boat on my back? I hope that boat doesn’t hit me where the Good Lord split me. Why is the Good Lord so concerned with people getting hit in the butt? Probably doesn’t want his handiwork getting ruined. Protect your butts, folks!
In theaters August 9.