The Lone Ranger: My Third Grade Teacher Might Also Be Haunting Me Because I Told Her She Looked Like Oprah

The Lone Ranger: My Third Grade Teacher Might Also Be Haunting Me Because I Told Her She Looked Like Oprah

Looks like nobody can decide whether or not the Lone Ranger is a man or a ghost! You know who I think might be a ghost? My third grade math teacher. When I asked her if it was okay to count on my fingers, she got mad and said, “Absolutely not!”

Well, it’s almost thirty years later and I’m still counting on my fingers. I even counted on my fingers a few hours ago to figure out how much to tip for a pizza (I tipped 20%—what am I, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?!).

Considering how old she was back in the 80’s, my third grade teacher is probably no longer with us. I hope she hasn’t been haunting me my whole life. What if she can’t find rest in the afterlife until I start counting in my head instead of on my fingers? Also, until she gets to have sex with Demi Moore using Whoopi Goldberg’s body.

Ever since Patrick Swayze did it in Ghost, all the other ghosts have wanted to give it a try! It’s gotten to the point that thrifty ghosts have started possessing Whoopi Goldberg celebrity lookalikes to have sex with Demi Moore impersonators.

Wait, who are all these impoverished ghosts? I guess we should have been putting coins on their eyes this whole time. They’re showing up at the river Styx like, “Can anybody loan me a quarter? Nobody told me I needed eye coins!” Charon the ferryman should considering taking Paypal, or get a Square reader on his smartphone.

In theaters July 3rd.