The trailer for the new Carrie movie finally made me curious enough to watch the 1976 original on Netflix.
Which completely spoiled the ending.
On the bright side, I no longer need to go out and see the remake, so Netflix basically just saved me $15—enough for like two more months of Netflix. (Your move, Hulu Plus.)
I’ve chosen to pay my $15 net savings forward by predicting the future of some of the stars of the new Carrie. I’m able to do this with the aid of data collected from the careers of the original stars, as well as an admittedly flawed sense of transitive logic.
For instance, the original film featured John Travolta, riding high on the glory of 1975’s Mr. T and Tina. Here he is as Billy Nolan, the villain’s pig-slaughtering, PBR-guzzling boyfriend. Decades passed, decisions were made, and in 2007, Travolta’s Edna Turnblad graced screens in a bizarrely successful Hairspray remake.
Therefore my first prediction is that Alex Russell, the kid who’s playing Billy in the new Carrie, will, like his predecessor, peak as a homely middle-aged woman with four chins and a world-class choreographer. And eyebrows. Eyebrows for days.
The 1976 version also starred William Katt as Tommy Ross, the nice boy who—SPOILER!—takes Carrie to the prom because his girlfriend feels sorry for her. (They kind of make out at the dance, but then he gets hit in the head with a bucket and—SPOILER!—dies before his girlfriend finds out.) Here’s Katt as Tommy in 1976, and in 1981 as TV’s Greatest American Hero.
Studying Katt’s career, and factoring in increasing trends toward too-soon remakes and mostly-CG action heroes, here’s newcomer Ansel Elgort as Tommy in 2013—and in his projected career-defining role five years from now. He’ll need to bulk up.
Edie McClurg, unlike William Katt, isn’t on the A-list these days, but I’d like to mention that she too was in the original Carrie. She played Helen, a high school mean girl who had one line and no last name. This was just ten years before her definitive portrayal of Grace in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, by which time all her hair had turned around to face the opposite direction.
Unfortunately, the role of Helen appears to have been omitted from the 2013 Carrie remake, so there’s no way to predict who might be cast as Rooney’s secretary in the inevitable 2023 Ferris Bueller reboot. His voicemail, maybe? A robot butler? I bet the Ferrari will be played by a flying Ferrari!
Last but not least, let’s take a look at Sissy Spacek as Carrie White in 1976, and in Deadfall in 2012.
Based on this data, here’s the new Carrie, Chloe Grace Moretz, now and 36 years from now.
This information is 100% guaranteed. If any of my predictions prove inaccurate, I will gladly refund their entire value (approximately negative $15), no questions asked.
In theaters October 18th.