Review
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Starkiller from Star Wars: The Force Unleashed looks a little like my old college roommate, who coincidentally used to shoplift little Star Wars figures from Wal-Mart. Hey look what I got, he’d say in the parking lot. He’d open up his hand and it would be full of little Banthas or Wookies or tiny Han Solos. One time he drank a bunch of Robitussin and broke up with his girlfriend. Or got back together with her? Then we played chess. I can’t find him on Facebook or Twitter or any of that stuff so I honestly have to wonder if he’s dead. Isn’t that the universal sign of a pulse? Hello world, I’m alive, I’m tweeting, I’m on Facebook look at my photographs, read my twitterings, I’m a star in a constellation in a dimension of a universe on the back of a turtle and it’s turtles all the way down.
I must have impaled a thousand stormtroopers in midair with my lightsaber. When I was bad, I had the red crystal in my lightsaber but when I switched to good I used the green crystal because good Jedi don’t wave no red lightsabers, as my great-grandmother used to say. I miss my great-grandmother. She kept a giant bag of Skittles in her house for me. She’d dole out one medicine cup full of Skittles to me a day and then clip the bag with a clothespin. Then she’d go visit my ancient great-aunt out on the edge of town, I’d eat several more handfuls of Skittles while she was gone, and that was our arrangement. Now my college roommate and my great-grandmother are nowhere to be seen- but access to bags of Skittles is at an all time high.
I really liked throwing Stormtroopers around with the Force, into the sky or walls or whatever. Get out of my way, dummies. I’m a Jedi! Or a Sith. A Starkiller. Whoosh. Lightsaber Noise. This is my second time playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The first time I played it on easy and beat it in a weekend. But this time I’m playing on like Sith master awesome moon destroyer, so you know that shit is taking me longer. Yelling at the screen and stuff. You dumb sonofabitch Stormtrooper stop shooting rockets out of your shoulder at me. Then again, what did I expect? Handshakes? A lapdance? Darth Vader is like, if you pay to get in the VIP room I’ll show you my “dark side”. Hmmm. That seems like truly improbable behavior for Darth Vader. Maybe if it was a sexy woman dressed like Darth Vader. Dear science fiction themed strippers/girlfriends whose boyfriends are nerds and for whom they are about to sexy dance for in a Darth Vader outfit- you gotta pay me five dollars to use that “dark side” line.
I forgot how the game ends since I played it the first time around, I’m almost at the end of the game again and I know that Darth Vader is going to ask me to make an important choice but I can’t quite remember what. Maybe he will take me to the top of the Death Star and say look, look at that turtle, it’s turtles all the way down. Or maybe he will produce a medicine cup full of Skittles from beneath his cape. Or maybe he’ll open up his hand and it will be full of little Banthas and wookies and tiny Han Solos. Hey look what I got, he’ll say.
Probably not, though. I think he asks me to kill the emperor, actually. Vader isn’t known to reference important memories specifically from my life or flat earth metaphors popularized by Stephen Hawking. He is known to get pretty crazy in the VIP room, though. Make it rain!!
