Stephen King’s It (movie)

I had an upsetting dream about getting my feet stuck in a bag of pistachios last night and then today in the grocery store I got stuck in line behind an elderly woman who smelled like old wet towels. She took twenty minutes to write out a check! On the drive home, my air conditioning failed in the summer heat and I held my face up to the vents blowing out hot air hoping for a miracle. I guess I think my face can heal air conditioners. The Cold Air Kid, they’d call me. Maybe I’d get a blue superhero outfit with puffs of frosty air around the muscles. Sorry, I meant “muscles”.

So here’s my review of the movie adaptation of Stephen King’s “It”. As opposed to the movie about Stephen King’s “thing”, starring Tim Curry as Stephen King’s penis.

The ponytail that actor Richard Thomas was wearing was so crazy that it startled me when he turned his head and revealed it. Do you know what it takes to surprise me with a ponytail? Other than this movie, it takes an actual pony hiding in the bushes ready to swat me with its tail. And to that pony I say: have as many sugar cubes as you like, for you have gotten the best of me in our game of barnyard hide and seek. Whereas to Richard Thomas I say: you look like a Whole Foods cashier with a hard drive full of upskirt pictures. To his credit, he was much better in Wonder Boys.

Harry Anderson not only is in this movie as Richie Tozier, but he has a Berkeley Breathed mustache. Or a Bill Watterson mustache. The kind of mustache that funny men of the 1980’s and 1990’s seemed to take to. Or the dad from Calvin and Hobbes. For a brief shining moment, that sort of mustache was actually kind of cool and commonly worn by shabby men of the comic arts. Not so much anymore. A beard is still safe territory, though. Because it’s what your face wants to happen! If you just leave your face alone, a full beard will arrive like a weary traveler looking for a home. All other facial hair styles are contingent on the year and social conventions and fashion and what not, so time travelers take care to do your research.

A young Seth Green plays the kid version of Tozier. It’s weird but you can kind of see the origins of his voice work on Family Guy and Robot Chicken when he does the wacky voices his character requires. You can also see the origins of the cage that Tim Curry will inevitably be locked in and placed miles beneath the surface of the Earth because he is completely convincing as a horrifying monster. Someone needs to wrap him in a bag of pistachios and throw it in the ocean because he is truly terrifying. Sorry, Tim Curry’s loved ones. You know you were thinking it.

Oh yeah- the amazing John Ritter is in this movie rocking a leather vest. Ponytails, vests, mustaches- the costume designer must have just got back from a magician’s conference. Or a country music line dancing conference. Or some horrible combination of the two. I bet they would call it The Magic Line. The only problem with that is that in order to dance you need to get within twenty feet of a woman, so… sorry magicians!

The monster at the end [spoiler alert] is pretty lame. I remember watching this with my mom when it first aired in the 1990’s and she yelled, “Come on!” at the screen in disgust because of how cheesy it looked. Yeah mom! To hell with those bad special effects! My mom demands better standards from the prop department. That thing looked like the ant from Honey I Shrunk the Kids after ten years of stripping in ant strip clubs. The Thorax. The Broken Antenna. The Heavy Crumb. It’s a seedy world in the ant adult entertainment industry. Stay in school, ants! Also, aunts.

Next Article

Red Dead Redemption