So, the question Delivery Man proposes is this: How would you react if you found out that your discarded sperm had been used to impregnate hundreds of women? I’m going to direct the question at you, Johnny.
Would you take the manilla envelope that contained your offspring’s names and profiles and toss it into the dumpster behind the Clermont Lounge where it belongs? [Ed note: Because the Clermont Lounge dumpster is the perfect place to leave a list of names and social security numbers in an unsecured envelope.]
Or would your heart suddenly grow three sizes that day and cause you to secretly interfere with the lives of your unwitting progeny? Really, this is an age-old question that man has grappled with since the dawn of time.
Considering that everyone we know that’s over thirty probably has a few illegitimate children, I take the stance of “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” [Ed note: The unasked question being, “Who that is?” and the untold answer being, “That’s just my baby daddy.”]
There’s a good chance that Vaughn’s character might have even slept with one of his children considering some of them could be at least 18. You could get even weirder with the plot and set it up for him to have an illegitimate grandchild with one of his illegitimate daughters. This could almost get as confusing as Mulholland Drive, or My Two Dads, or My Two David Lynchs.
It raises another age-old dilemma, does it not? Is it morally objectionable to sleep with your own children even if you don’t know they’re your children? Wait…isn’t that the plot of Oldboy? Personally, I’m not old enough for that to be a concern, but when I get closer to 40, my future lovers are going to have to submit to pre-coitus blood work.
Vince Vaughn really seems to be reaching these days. The Internship, The Dilemma, The Watch, Lay the Favorite…these movies were all massive failures. In fact, the last time Vaughn carried a movie that was even remotely successful was Couples Retreat. I get the impression that Delivery Man won’t exactly rake in the box office receipts. Don’t worry Vince—Anchor Man 2 is just around the corner.
Winston, you may already have written this movie off, but I think you might have overlooked the supporting cast. Cobie Smulders from How I Met Your Mother appears to be playing the love interest (or even one of his children, if we’re going with the Oldboy-is-it-morally-objectionable-to-accidentally-sleep-with-your-own-children scenario). The last movie that I’m aware of her being in is a little-known art-house film called “2012’s Summer’s Blockbuster The Avengers.” Granted, I struggled with believing that Nick Fury would hire her as his personal assistant, or that she could be a critical part of S.H.I.E.L.D. But at the same time it fueled the fire for Joss Whedon to write in as many “Suit up!” jokes as possible. I’m interested to see her in another rom-com style scenario without Josh Radnor or Doogie Howser, M.D.
I didn’t write the movie off for any other reason than this: I already know what happens.
Vince’s character, David Wozniak, is introduced as a likable, but sarcastic and irresponsible man-child. He has relationship problems and a dead end job. Suddenly, he finds out the money he made masturbating into a cup all those years ago has backfired. Whatever will he do?!
Wozniak attempts to do the right thing, with disastrous results. Every time he tries to right the ship, hilarious failure ensues. Sadness takes over when he realizes that he’s failed at connecting with his many, many children.
Dejected and depressed, Wozniak is on the verge of giving up hope, when suddenly he has a half-assed epiphany. He learns valuable life lessons about responsibility and family, and everything wraps itself up in a nice little package. Viewers yawn, and leave the theatre blinking indifferently.
Cut to a post-credits Marvel-esque hidden scene where Vince is banging Cobie Lumbergh style while she jokes about him wearing protection. [Ed note: Afterwards, everyone’s personal information is left behind the Clermont Lounge, and used for identity fraud by Blondie.]
I can’t wait for the straight to DVD sequel Delivery Man 2: Special Delivery starring Owen Wilson and the dog from Marley & Me, in which a sarcastic dog is confronted with a litter of hundreds of his illegitimate puppies.
In theaters November 22.