Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw! Caw caw— caw caw caw!
Oh man, I should have marked that NSFC (Not Safe For Crows). This movie came out in 1994, just in time for me to nerd the fuck out over it. What’s that you say, movie adaptation of the graphic novel The Crow? Halloween’s just around the corner?
Why, that’s just in time for my fifteen year old self to borrow his mom’s black fashion boots and a loose fitting black blouse and take to the streets as a circa 1980’s female mime:
You know, my high school’s theater department didn’t do a bad a job with the makeup. Too bad they weren’t able to do it until after school, which meant I walked around school all day in no make-up, black ladies fashion boots and A BLOUSE.
You know, all I had to do was put duct tape on a black leather jacket and I wouldn’t have looked like a Juggalo’s aunt on her way to the Hobby Lobby to get some scrap-booking glue.
This movie’s soundtrack was where it was at back in 1994. Rage Against the Machine, Nine Inch Nails, The Cure— I even made a recording of it on an unmarked blank tape and gave it to my step-dad for his birthday. Here you go, step-dad, hope you weren’t planning on getting appreciated on the only day of the year set aside specifically for people to appreciate you. At least I wasn’t wearing the blouse at the time.
I’ll tell you this much though- it didn’t stop with the soundtrack for me. I had a giant Crow poster (the very same image leading into this review) looking down on me from above my TV so I could be reminded of the movie when I played Super Nintendo.
What you doing there, kid? Trying to beat Final Fantasy II? Well my fiancée was murdered in front of me and I’ve been brought back from the dead to avenge her with grave dust under my fingernails. And I got a magical ass bird helping me do it. Look at me- I got duct tape wrapped around my midsection for some reason. And um…twine I guess?
You know what’s really crazy? I’ve got Final Fantasy on my iPhone now. And it’s one of the least impressive functions that phone can do. The cartridge that game came on was bigger than this phone. Makes me wonder what kind of stuff people of the future are going to take for granted.
Oh those lungs your body needs so badly to process oxygen? Yeah we shrunk those down and put them in bags of Skittles. Taste like lemons. We use those to breathe. In fact, all technology is Skittles based now. Phone calls, television shows- Skittles.