The Dark Crystal

Jen has a lady’s haircut and pointy ears. He is a Gelfling. He was raised by the Mystics, these four armed wise men in robes. They pour sand on top of other sand so you know they are really wise and in touch with sand.

The boss of the Mystics tells Jen he has to go heal the Dark Crystal by getting a shard from Aughra, a hideous lady who keeps popping her eyeball out to look at things.

Lady, how much better a view is your stumpy little arm’s reach giving you? Wikipedia refers to her as “a scholar of an unknown race”. No shit, with that wrinkly face, giant ass and the horns on her head.

Shame she isn’t one of those sexy devil ladies with the giant asses and horns on the head. Then she could be on a rockabilly guy’s Zippo lighter or a sticker on an upright bass. Oooh or a tattoo on a punk girl’s boobs throwing dice at her nipples or something.

Jen encounters another Gelfling with the exact same haircut. Her name is Kira and she has a pet monster named Fizzgig but it sounds like Bisquick. Nobody has any pancakes though.

The other day I saw a commercial where a lady was singing about how she’ll “never walk away” from pancakes. That’s the saddest thing I ever heard. You make that kind of a promise to a handsome man, lady, not a stack of fried batter. I hope her house never catches fire when there’s a stack of pancakes inside.

Jen and Kira ride some rabbits with a condition I like to call “crazy legs” across a fantasy world to a giant castle where these vultures in robes live.

The vultures are called Skeksis. They like to hang out around a giant crystal over a fire pit. I like to hang out around fire pits, too. They don’t barbecue or drink beer, though. They use the crystal to make little slaves out of creatures called Podlings. They don’t even throw a Frisbee around or play badminton. Your fire pit party sucks, Skeksis!

Jen jumps on the Dark Crystal and jams his smaller crystal into the big crystal and heals the crystal. Then “two become one” and the Skeksis and Mystics merge into a bunch of holy sea monkeys. That’s not how sex works!

The sea monkeys are like THANKS LATER and ride off into the sky on a magic ball of light, leaving Jen and Kira in a big empty castle with no money or food or compensation of any kind. Except the giant crystal, I guess.

Hey what do you want to do with this giant crystal? Maybe it’s rock candy. Nope it’s just crystal. Does anyone know a fifty foot tall divorced lady who just got into yoga? She can hang it on a leather strap around her neck.